Fear

Fear according to dictionary.com is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

My Dad has not slept for two nights. He has been up making and drinking coffee. He has been restless. He fell last night while he was up wondering around the house having coffee. He has been craving coffee. I am like my dad in that aspect. I love coffee. I drink it just like my dad drinks his....black with no sugar or cream.

Dad was so restless today my mom called Hospice. The nurse called back and ended up coming out for a visit. She thinks my dad is afraid to sleep. Afraid he will not wake up. As I read the definition of fear it fits what my dad is feeling right now. Meeting Jesus has been something my dad has been looking forward to but FEAR of the journey makes sense. In the definition "real or imagined" stands out. How many times do we imagine something is lurking around the corner? Well, my dad's Fear is not imagined it is very real. The nurse said we are too early for him to "not wake up" but the fear of it is real. They have increased his pain medication to every 2 hours and he is also taking a nerve medication to quiet his fear. Fear can be a positive thing...fight or flight. Fear can protect us because we sense danger and we run away from the perceived danger. Sometimes Fear can be a negative thing....

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Sometimes the perceived danger is False.

What does God's word say about Fear and Death. I instantly think about Psalms 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.

WOW!!! Those words really mean something right now for me and my family. I pray my dad will be comforted by these words. My Dad is getting ready to journey through the valley of the shadow of death and I pray he will be comforted (irritating word!).

In verse 6 of that chapter it says, " I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." I am so excited to know my dad will dwell in the house of the Lord forever! The peace those words will eventually bring is a wonderful concept. Notice the eventually! It is hard to let him go! I know in my head that he will be at rest and peace, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. I understand my dad's fear. I pray God brings the comfort he needs. I know the angels haven't shown up to usher my dad to heaven, maybe they will bring the comfort he needs.

Tonight my daughter held me and cried with me. That was my blessing today! She is growing into a very mature young lady. I pray our relationship is always strong! She is so sweet.

Truth and Circumstances

I have always felt like truth is necessary. Telling my children about my dad's illness has been looming over me like a black cloud. My children are not blind, deaf or dumb. They have been suspecting something is terribly wrong for several weeks. My daughter has made comments about my being away a lot with my dad UNTIL he gets better. My son has asked if I cried this much the last time my dad had cancer. I finally had to tell them the truth. I did not yell or scream "Papaw is dying" I just very factually told them that the doctors can't help Papaw get better and that God would have to heal Papaw or he was going to be with Jesus. My daughter cried a little, but my son on the other hand is so black and white. Oh, the faith of a little child ( Mark 10:15 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.) Malakhi asked, "Is Papaw a Godly man?" I told him yes and he proceeded to tell me Godly men lived long lives like 200 years! Then he asked why we can't live forever. I told him we can't live forever on earth because then we would never get to heaven to be with Jesus forever. Over all I think the kids took the news well. Elisabeth and I had a more in depth conversation because she is so mature for her age. She wanted to know why the hospice nurse wasn't helping Papaw to get better.

This has been a hard week again. I keep hoping it will all get a little better. I noticed I am snapping at my husband a little quicker this week. Stress at work has been tremendous too. It always gets like this at the end of a semester. I am having pain between my shoulder blades from tension.

I have always wanted this blog to be a happy place. It has not turned out to be happy. I am not a person who deals with depression, so this is a difficult place to be.

I find peace that my dad will rest with the Lord and that my black cloud of deception is gone. The deception to my children. The circumstances of life sometimes makes us question if Truth really is best. I hope my truthfulness was soft enough! Time will tell but for now I believe Truth is always necessary. After all one of the 10 big rules (ten commandments) is not to lie. I have felt like I have been telling the children lies for the last few weeks.

On a happier note....I am blessed :o) I have a great friend who offered to go to WV with me so I don't have to journey alone. She is willing to leave her husband and children to minister to me and my family. Not many people will leave their own lives to walk into such an emotionally draining situation. I have told this friend many times I would be lost without her. She is so dear to me and to the Lord. I hope she knows how special she really is!

Flame Red Mirage

I purchased a 3.5 inch flame red shoe today. The picture is the exact shoe I bought.

I know that all sounds very weird at a time like this, but it is true. My dad thought red high heel shoes would be appropriate for his services. It was hard for me to embrace the idea, but....here I go. I can't even walk in them. It took me over an hour to find the ones I might be able to tolerate.

I went shopping with my twin. We bought 6 pair of red heels total. We spent lots of money on red shoes.

The lady at the store was determined to sell me a pair of "red" shoes for the occasion. We told her the reason for them. (see sonderella's blog for more) Our sales lady was dedicated. She found shoes for me that were not even on display. My twin laughed as I tried to walk in several pairs. She even suggested I might need to purchase a lower heel. NO WAY I THOUGHT! WE ARE ALL WEARING RED HIGH HEELS! As I said before it took over and hour but "Deborah" (our sales lady) and I found perfect shoe (not really but the one that would do). It is going to take some practice to walk in those shoes! As I sit here, my feet are throbbing! Can I really do this? You bet I can....The funniest part is going to be when I trip and fall at daddy's services. Maybe daddy will have the last laugh after all!

Exhausted

I am completely exhausted! I can't decided what to do this weekend. My in-laws are here this weekend to go to the pinewood derby with the kids. My father in-law is not well. So it is just as important for the kids to see my in-laws as it is for them to see my parents. Ill parents are hard to manage!

I am exhausted. I really need to see my dad but am not sure I can make the seven hour drive on my own. My husband and the kids need to be here with his parents. I need to see how my dad really is so we know if the kids should see him. I do not want them to see him when he is knocking on heavens door. I think I am emotionally exhausted. The kids are not aware of the severity of my dad's illness. We (my husband and I) need wisdom for timing and direction with the kids. We had a rough conversation this morning. My husband is keeping himself busy so as to appear strong and I need him to comfort (wow-the irritating word) me. When I talked to my mom she said they are "staying busy" instead of processing. Mom is still showing signs of dementia. I called earlier and she was so rattled because the social worker was supposed to call back. She couldn't even talk to me. I asked her to call me back later. After about 4 hours I decided to call her back. She didn't say she forgot, but I could tell she did not even remember talking to me. Bless her heart. I can not imagine how she is coping.

The social worker and doctor came and saw my dad today. Some of the discussion was what funeral home and who would pronounce his death. WOW...that is so hard to process.

I know this blog has been so heavy! I hope I will find peace and joy. I hope this some how helps someone else out there.

Isaiah 61:3 (KJV)

To appoint to them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Dementia

My mom needed a time out today. I know that statement sounds weird, but my sister asked mom if she needed a time out today because she wasn't dealing with the situation well. All of the activity is too much for her. She acts like she has it all together. It amazes me how a woman with such strength in the past can be so weak now. It is called dementia. We have seen it for several years and it always gets worse when stress is high. Well, stress is definitely high right now and her dementia is roaring. Every little thing impacts mommy right now.

It is hard to accept my daddy dying. It is hard to see my mom check out. I can understand because I want to check out too. I suppose after 51 years together checking out might be easier for mommy than the reality of living without daddy. If I can't imagine life without daddy it has to be much harder for mommy. The million dollar question is.... Will mommy be checked out forever or will she come back to us? Only God knows. I don't say that lightly. God is good even in the hard times.

Death Bed and Gallows

My dad told his hospice nurse his death bed had been delivered and his gallows are being built. The construction has already begun for my dads "gallows" as he put it. My dad is trying to have a good attitude. The hardest thing for me today is the fact that my dad slept in the living room last night instead of climbing the stairs to his room. He has always said he would continue to stay upstairs until he had to scoot down the stairs on his bottom. Well, that day has come. It seems my dad is dealing better than the rest of us.

When I called this evening there was a flurry of activity. Mom says everyone is just keeping busy. Busy you may ask? Busy doing what? Busy building the "gallows" of course.

I had a better day today. I didn't seem to cry so much, so I suppose writing is helping. I am afraid of who might read what I write since it is posted on the World Wide Web. I would hate for my students to find my blog. Why you ask? I don't want them to see me being so weak. I think some of my co-workers might be afraid I would share the link to this "sacred" place. I am not comfortable (there is that irritating word again) sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings with co-workers or students. I know the students see too many tears because today they brought me a pink Hyacinth and a card. Hopefully my students will not see very many more tears. I think it was so thoughtful of the students, but it makes me feel bad for not being strong. On the other hand I don't know how to be strong when my daddy is going to the "gallows" and even watching them being built. I know "what doesn't kill me will make me stronger"!

Constipation and Crochet

What a weird title. It represents me right now, weird. I have started to crochet dish cloths. Crochet can be such a mindless task. It is amazing how I can still process my thoughts while I crochet. As for the constipation, hmmmm. My mind is completely constipated. As I suffer with my own form of constipation my dad is dealing with constipation of his bowels. The pain medications being used to help him be comfortable causes him to become constipated. He will have to start using stool softners. Wonder if there are any available for my form of constipation? Prozac maybe!

As I go through my angry stage the word comfortable irritates me....comfortable. How can anyone possibly think dying is comfortable! I am definitely not comfortable with this process! Will I ever be? I am not sure, but hope I get a grip on myself.