Well, here we are again. Treading water. The last few weeks have been busy. I had my in-laws visit for ten days. It was a ten day reminder of the losses I have had over the last year. Elisabeth had her 11th birthday. We haven't had a party for her because of Malakhi's baseball. He is playing on a travel team. The biggest thing is the fourth of July and today... my dad's birthday.
We went to Harkers Island for the fourth and I didn't have internet. It was a nice weekend. It was "unfamiliar", which was good. There were no reminders of the losses. I didn't even need to feel guilty for not being with family. You see, the fourth has always been "Christmas in July" for my family. With my dad's birthday on the sixth we always had a huge party. No laughing.. we actually got hotdog buns. You see, I am from a very poor family and the only time we got buns for our hotdogs was on the fourth. Mom also made homemade coleslaw. We had galvanized tubs of ice with drinks and watermelon.... oh, so much fun. Everybody in the community always stopped by to wish my dad a happy birthday. Well, all that has changed. This is the second year without daddy and the first without mommy. I wonder if it will ever get any easier? Will I ever stop missing them? Will the fourth ever feel the same? Like Christmas in July? Happy Birthday Daddy. I asked Jesus to tell you this for me today. I know it doesn't matter because you are sitting at his feet and your birthday is unimportant, but it makes me feel better. Like I can still talk to you. I know it isn't true but until I get to heaven I will just keep treading water and living in my fantasy world!
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