I know going to church is part of being a christian. The word says not to forsake the assembling together. So, my question is WHY is it so hard for me? Since Mommy has died it is so hard for me to be in the presence of the Lord. I realized this last night. I went to church. I haven't been too much since Mommy died. Not because of anything other than busyness. Malakhi is playing travel baseball and those games happen on the weekends. I just find it emotionally painful to be in worship.
I have examined my heart. I don't feel angry. I know Mommy and Daddy were longing to go to heaven. I know they wanted to be with the Lord. I know it had to be the way it is. What I can't figure out is why I feel so much emotional pain when I am in church or even listening to worship songs. I know that the Lord is our refuge. So, why doesn't he feel like my refuge? Maybe it just reminds me too much of my parents. They both loved the Lord with all their hearts and souls. I, also, know I want to make heaven my home. I have no other desire in my heart. So, WHY?
Anyone, please, with any thoughts?
2 comments:
Susan, I felt that way for a LONG time after Ethan died. Your spirit is raw right now. The slightest thing makes you jump. In our human finiteness, we somehow blame GOD even though we know HE isn't to blame - a sign of a corrupt, fallen mind. Even though I know GOD is good and HE isn't to fault for Ethan's death, I still "held HIM responsible". How could HE...???
You know, I'm not the same person I was before Ethan. His death was harder than Micah's. It's still painful, and I will quickly stuff any reminders down. I don't want to deal with the pain. People didn't and don't understand. They won't. Don't expect them to do so.
The things I would tell myself were: I know GOD is good and HE is real - even if that's all I "knew" at the time; and I know that HE loves me even with all the junk going on in my head and heart. HE accepts me right where I'm at. HE's not rushing me to change, HE's not looking at me like I've lost my rocker - though I sure feel like I have!
The LORD loves you, Susan - just as you are. HE knows you are hurting, that your emotions are raw, that your grief is fresh and tumultuous. It's okay to be where you are at. Rest in that. Take it one day at a time, one event at a time. If you want me to come with you (don't you guys go to evening service?), I'd be glad to do so. Do what you're able to do. For a while there, I couldn't sing. My goal was just to get there. I couldn't pray. I couldn't read. But I knew I wasn't giving up or giving in. I knew it would take time. And so it will with you.
((hugs))
Hang in there sis! Love you lots.
Post a Comment