Jelly and Hangers

I know you are wondering what jelly has to do with hangers!

Grief strikes at the weirdest times and the weirdest things will trigger it! Last year after my dad died and we had moved to our new house I found a bundle of wire hangers. They reminded me of my dad because he had tied them with twine. That bundle of wire hangers hangs in the closet under the staircase. I can't help but think of the love my dad showed me thru out the years as I look at those hangers. He and my mom helped me pack my house in 11 days to move two states when my children were both less than 2! The newest trigger was jelly! On Father's day I was looking in the pantry for a vegetable for dinner. Instead I found 3 jars of jelly my mom made with my dad's help. I pushed them aside and kept looking. After a few seconds I picked them up and carried them into my bedroom. I realized if someone ate them I would be devastated! I got some weird looks from my kids as I was walked thru the living room with tears streaming down my face and my arms full of jelly. My dad always helped my mom make jelly, so you can imagine how old this jelly is. It can't be eaten and I wouldn't let it anyway. Those jars of jelly and that bundle of hangers are the result of the work of my parents hands. Hands that aren't capable of making anymore jelly or tying any more twine around a bundle of hangers. The jelly is sitting in my room. Almost like a shrine. I don't know if I can ever part with the jelly and hangers. I still miss Mommy and Daddy terribly and it amazes me how many times I still think about how unbelievable it is that... Mommy is really gone! After a year I have connected with my daddy's death, I hope... Maybe a year from now I will have connected with mommy's death too!

My husband was at a complete loss when he saw my jelly! I haven't memorialized anything so you can imagine why this is hard for him to understand. :o) Can anyone understand? I don't think they are capable unless they have had both parents to die. It's okay. I will continue to work thru my grief with my arms full of jelly and hangers! :o)

Deception

The above picture was sent to me in an e-mail. "This is a picture taken directly above these camels in the desert at sunset. It is considered one of the best pictures of the year. Look closely, the camels are the little white lines in the picture. The black you see are just the shadows!! "

Isn't it deceiving to realize that the camels are the white and not the black blobs? Okay, so what is my point? I feel like deception is a part of my life now. Sounds weird, but I am not happy lately. I try to pretend, there is the deception, that I am happy. No one would want to be around me or tolerate me otherwise. It is just so hard to be happy right now. My parents are gone! It's Father's day. My in-laws are visiting. That in itself is a complete miracle. Remember my father-in-law was so sick around Christmas? He is a walking miracle. I am glad he is still alive and my husband is getting to spend time with him.....however, having them visit for the last week makes me painfully aware of the lack of my parents. My mother-in-law even questioned as to whether it was too soon for them to come because it might make me and the kids so sad. I reassured her that we need to go on living and the kids need to continue to have a relationship with them. Although, this visit has made Elisabeth very sad. She has cried several times. I hold her and comfort her. Why is Grief so hard? Why can't we just get over it? I quoted the scripture about God turning our mourning into dancing to Elisabeth.... Well, I am just waiting for the dancing?

Counting Calories

I have officially become a calorie counter. How did this happen? I have never been a dieter in my life: however, I was heavier than my doctor wanted me to be prior to becoming a calorie counter. It all started when Joel downloaded the Lose it app to my phone and challenged me to a duel. Just let me say, he quit within a week!

I have been counting calories for four months. I have lost sixteen pounds. I am in the range my doctor has wanted me to be in for the last three to four years. I have spoken to my doctor several times to make sure I was being health. She reassured me I was.

Sixteen pounds! I have people concerned for me. I think it is because of my mothers death. I had been counting calories for two months prior to her death and no one really noticed the weight loss because it was minimal. But now that I have lost sixteen pounds people are noticing. I admit grieving is hard. At times I didn't eat as well as I should at the time of my mothers death but I am making sure to eat at least as many calories as the doctor advised me to eat. I have also realized that my mom was unhealthy and her weight didn't help her any. I don't want to have my weight to be an issue with my health. My blood pressure has been really good since I lost the weight too. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure at the young age of 37. It wasn't because I was over weight, but I was at the top of my acceptable weight. I am still not at the bottom. I want to lose a few more pounds to be at the bottom so I can have some room to breath.

Why? I want to be healthy. I want to be around for my kids for many more years to come. Counting calories has worked for me because it makes me accountable for the food I put in my mouth. The lose it app is great because it simplifies a task and minimizes the amount of time it takes to keep track. I would recommend counting calories. I have complained for the last several years about being too heavy. I had starting exercising and thought the weight would fall off because it always did when I was in my twenties. It doesn't work that way now that I am close to forty! Now I have to eat less and exercise.

Forty! Am I really going to be forty soon? Wow, a year and I will be getting ready to celebrate forty years in this life! I hope to be in better shape and weigh a few more pounds less than now!

Book Review- The Orphaned Adult

I read this book as a self-help book and it is written by Alexander Levy. A great hospice counselor recommended it. My heart skipped a beat when she said the title. Since Mom has passed away I have felt orphaned. I have had so many fellow christians to say, " You are not an orphan! You are a child of God!" I agree, however, I no longer have earthly parents. This book explains that feeling. It is normal when both parents have passed away to feel orphaned. He uses the analogy of driving down the road of life and being able to look in the rear view mirror and see your parents. Parents who have taught you since conception. Parents who have supported and loved through out good times and bad. But once your parents pass away upon looking in that mirror there is no longer parents to find that support or get advice about situations. Thus the feeling of being an orphan or alone. This book also explains that we should give grace to people who don't understand because they don't have the ability to understand being an orphan until both of their parents are deceased. He explains that after the death of the first parent children typically do not own grief. They leave that part to the surviving parent and the child takes the role of worrying about and caring for the surviving parent. He also says that once that surviving parent dies the surviving child or children must then own their grief. Siblings are not support for one another because they are all in the same situation trying to grieve.

I can attest to all of those things. In the last year, I worried about my mother daily. I called her daily, sometimes multiple times just to check on her. I even helped her purchase she and daddy's grave stone to help her grieve. Now, I have no one to worry over. I have had to face my loss head on. It has been difficult. Difficult in ways I could not imagine prior to mommy dying. Each day I called her during my drive home from the office. Now I struggle emotionally each day because I can't call her. When will I stop thinking "Oh, gotta call mommy!". I miss sharing my joys. Joys of my children's successes. Things like Malakhi's home run last weekend and the kids earning the highest possible scores on every End of Grade test they took this school year. I can't call her to find out what the "secret" ingredient was in my favorite dish. I can't call for advice on raising my daughter. My mom was one of my very best friends who I can no longer talk to. Elisabeth will honor star crown and I can't get a letter for the scrap book I am making for her from my mom. A mom who was so instrumental in helping me to become the woman I am and the mother I hope to be. People don't understand because they can still call their mother. I must allow people to not understand, but they must also allow me the freedom to feel and grieve anyway I need to. I don't grieve publicly because of judgement. It has been two months tomorrow since she died. Two months? That's all? It feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. But people expect grief to be the few days around the services, but I can tell you it takes longer than that. My mom has been an intricate part of my life for almost 39 years I can not expect to be over it in a month or two. I will just keep it inside the walls of my home.

I would recommend this book for anyone grieving the loss of both parents. :o)