Shearing day

Today is the day to have Elisabeth's hair cut. It is always an adventure. She wants to change her hair and like a typical woman, hates it at the end. I am going to encourage her to get a trim.

We went to the "old" house to get some more things. A van load later and there is still "stuff" there! I have been working on unpacking and it seems when I get a hole in the boxes it just gets filled back up again. This unpacking process is going to take time.

My boss and I talked yesterday. She made the comment that she wanted the old Susan back and that I had not had a good year! I already knew that, but do not know how to recover from the year. Please pray that I will see what I need to do differently at work. I know I have not enjoyed my job this last year. The students are increasingly become more demanding. They are adults who act like they are the only thing in life and when things happen that they don't like they go complaining all the way up the chain of command. My boss has had to defend me to a few students this year.

I have tried to remain student friendly but feel like all efforts are hopeless. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. The good news is I have been praying for direction. I suppose it is fair to say if this coming year is as bad as last: I might want to look for a new job. :o( If I am not being effective then it might be time to consider moving on.

I keep trying to convince myself it was just a hard year. I had surgery, diagnosed with high blood pressure, heart palpitations and the biggie was Daddy. Hopefully the sun will rise soon.

My sweet mother!

Thanks Ken for sharing this picture!

It brought me to tears! Tears of joy not sorrow. Of course I have tears over everything lately! LOL!

I love my mother! She is always so joyful and happy. She made being a kid fun.

Reverting back to a child who is afraid of failure

I appreciate your encouragement Ken and I can't wait to see the pictures! And Julie, I might need your help.

I have spent some time in prayer and examining my heart. I probably should not be so transparent.

I know my mom has been doing so much better. I think I am afraid of my busy life schedule conflicting with my responsibility with mom. I am a perfectionist, so I am afraid I won't please daddy or mommy in this venture. I know I am an adult, but some how I revert back to the child who could not please. I know I will grow during this season! I know this time with my mom is going to be precious for my children and for me. Someday my mom will be in heaven with my dad and I will be at rest because I have spent time with her. I love her dearly. I just find I am more and more stressed and less and less at peace.

I am exhausted emotionally and physically right now.

I am looking forward to some cinnamon rolls and yummy food my mom will cook. She hasn't really done any cooking for years and she is doing that again. There is the high! She is doing so much more these days than she was (like the boat)!

The kids have gone through so much this year. Daddy dying and moving has impacted their behavior. They see me busy and ignore the direction I have given. I also know my reaction isn't the same with my stress level either. I just need the Lord to bring rest. I need rest. I don't believe it was the move as much as dealing with grief. Maybe just all of life. My job is more stressful than I would like too. I don't even like it anymore! Somebody tell me this is normal feelings of grief. That is what I keep trying to convince myself of anyway. I was not a Daddy's girl. I was always a mommy's girl, which makes me struggle with the way I am reacting. I think it is just hard to face reality and when mom comes reality is going to hit me in the face.

As I just typed the title revelation came! I am AFRAID OF FAILING MY MOTHER! I am AFRAID of failing at life! Wow. Okay now I go into safe mode. Scriptures are flying around my head about fear not being of the Lord. What an emotional roller coaster ride!

I miss Daddy

I miss Daddy! I have been so busy moving. Mom is coming. I know I am going to have to face Daddy being gone. Mom has been so difficult to care for over the last few years. I admit I am not looking forward to it. I hate to admit it. It makes me feel like a horrible daughter. One of my biggest concerns is Mom gets right in the middle of my parenting. She undermines me with the kids. I just pray she doesn't do that even though she has gotten in the middle since the day Elisabeth was born. Daddy used to tell her to mind her own business and let me be the mom. I think I am hoping for the impossible. I have been frustrated enough in parenting right now. It is not easy, so the thought of someone getting in the middle really will make parenting frustrating. Daddy's biggest concern was that mommy would be taken care of. I give kudos to Sonderella...she has been great with mom and that really makes me feel like a loser. Sister one was so frustrated with mom Sonderella had to save the day.

Pray for me. I am really stressed about the whole deal. I need my heart to be in the right place and right now I am not patient with anyone or anything. Every time I turn around the kids are doing their own thing. I don't understand why they can't just do as they are asked. We aren't even asking them to do hard stuff. Just things like no eating in the living room ( a rule for their entire life not new), get in the shower not watch tv instead. I just don't get it. :o(

We're Here!

We are in the new house and as you can see... my internet service is even working. We had so many wonderful people that was willing to help us! I can not express my "Thanks" enough to Eddie and Nelson on Friday night and Zack, John and Terry on Saturday!

The truck wouldn't hold everything on Friday, so Joel and the guys had to go back on Saturday. The bulk of the work was on Friday. I went to the "old" house on Saturday and straightened it up for a showing on Monday. Joel will go back today and move our hanging clothes and some more stuff from closets. We do still have a few pieces of furniture there because our agent wants some left for showing.

My body hurts and the house is a mess, but IT WAS WORTH IT!

Wide eyed

I guess you can see from the time of this post that I am not asleep. The whole house is sleeping with the exception of me. I am like a kid waiting to go to Disney. I am excited about this move. I have so much to do. I pray God honors us as we step out in faith.

Again today I was reflecting. We have spent the last 6 years and 9 months living in this house. We have never lived in the same place this long. As much as we want out of here and are ready to move to our next home: it is a little sad too. We have great memories here. My children have been in this house almost all of their lives. I pray they adjust well to their new environment. Not only are they moving to a new home, but they are also starting a new school. Elisabeth is a little concerned about "making friends". This is very typical for a tween. Malakhi is just going to miss his friend Jordan. I know they will both make friends. They are likable kids.

I am looking forward to the next chapter. We are going to make great memories in our next home. I believe that because home is family not a structure. My family is still the same. The structure is the only thing changing. We are still the same people in our hearts.

I am very humbled by the blessings of the Lord. I continue to be in awe of the responsibility God has bestowed upon us. Not just in blessings, but in jobs and parenting and our work at church. God is Good!

I read something today by Joyce Meyer. It was about the words we speak. We should speak positive. I can't regurgitate it, but I will say.... We spew things out of our mouths that are abundant in our hearts. I want my heart to be full of the fruits of the spirit, but sometimes it is not. Sadly I admit this. I want to always be positive. If you are a frequent reader of my blog you know that I am not always positive. I do not want my circumstances to dictate my attitude. I want my fruit to be good fruit.

Bloggy buddies, I am also sad to report.... after tonight I will be out of commission until we get our service switched to the new house. I will be on withdraw. Maybe it will be a good break. Once we are back up: I will post our progress. Please, continue to pray for the move (to be smooth), for our old home to sell, for the transition of our children and for all the company we are about to have. My in-laws and my mother are all coming. Maybe all at at the same time! Thank you for your prayers! :o)

Not really

I don't really mean this but thought it was cute.

Reflections

I have been reflecting on my life. I know: this could get deep.

I go back to where I started. I am not sure if I should share all of this or not, but here goes.

I am completely humbled as to how far I have come. I liked this picture because I am a mere vessel. I am a vessel willing to be used by God.

I was born to a family with little. Things got worse once my twin sister and I came along. Dad didn't make much money and the strain of 5 children was great. My paternal grandmother passed away when I was about 18 months old. The stress of that death took its toll on my dad. To say the least, he sunk! I reflect on that as I experience the loss of my dad. Dad watched his mother die. I watched my dad die. I don't want to sink.

Once my dad sunk, our lives changed drastically. My mother was a strong woman. Because she was always so strong I struggle to see her so weak now! She had never even earned her high school diploma. My dad was unable to work and my mom had no ability to support us. Five children and a sick husband. Did she quit? Did she go on welfare? NO! She earned her GED, moved her elderly father-in-law in with us, took care of dad and all five of us. I was around four years old when she finished with her LPN schooling. She worked and went to school. We were taken care of by my papaw and older siblings. We didn't always have a nice house, heck we didn't have running water until I was twelve. YES, you read that right. The simple necessity of water from a spigot was not offered to me as a child. There were times we had very little to eat. My dad dealt with life by drinking beer. He was an alcoholic. Plain and simple.

How did my family get turned around? I believe it goes all the way back to my maternal grandmother. She died when my mom was around three years old. On her death bed she prayed. She prayed for my mom and all of her decedents. The prayers of a dying woman were answered. (James 5:16 The prayer of a righteous man avails much... woman in this case)

When I started kindergarten I met a little girl named "Sherry". Sherry's mom took me and my twin to church. From there, God called my family back to him. Starting with Sonderella! It was a long road to where I am.

Side note: Sherry is the last person my dad witnessed to. My how the circle continues. It just doesn't seem right that Sherry doesn't serve God now! I pray for her soul.

My first grade teacher told my mom that I was stupid. My third grade teacher told my mom that I would be lucky if I was able to read a cook book. I don't tell you this for pity, but to show you how far God has brought me.

I was the first of my family to graduate from college. I am not the most educated one (that would be Sonderella - Ms. Dukey Grad. Nurse practitioner-I am very proud of her). I teach dental hygiene in a community college. WONDER if Mrs. Stricklen and Mrs. Watkins would believe that!

I never had any self confidence. I always felt inferior, ugly and stupid. I am amazed at how far I have come.

God has touched me in ways I never thought possible. I am amazed I "got out". I can't believe we are able to buy such a nice house. I am amazed I am successful as an educator. Yes, I have had a bad year with the students I just taught. Yes, they weren't so nice on my evaluations, but I was awarded with the "instructor of the year" last year for the Health Sciences division. Amazing, huh?

I don't tell you this to brag. I tell you this to show God's amazing ability to use a vessel. To bless abundantly.

As I reflect.... I hold onto God's faithfulness to survive my dad's death. To see the rainbow behind the storm.

If you are in a stormy time of your life..... Don't tell God how big your storm is.... tell the storm how big your God is!

The moving truck is rented!

Joel has the moving truck rented and ready. Wonder if we will look like the one pictured above? I just laughed and laughed at this picture as we are getting ready to move. I know why the person moved like this instead of with the moving truck. They are expensive! Maybe I should invest in some duct tape just in case we need to load the car too! LOL!

Packing for the big move!

I have spent this whole weekend packing boxes. I am not finished yet. It is amazing how much junk can be accumulated in less than 7 years in the same house. I am completely amazed. I have packed off and on for the last fourteen months. I am just tired of packing. I am slimming down as I go, but I know I will slim some more on the unpacking end too. I will be so glad to be settled finally. I have said I will not move again. I feel like the house we are moving to will be the kind of house I can live in until my dying day. The master suite is on the main level, so when I get old and can't walk the stairs it will be okay. I knew when we moved here that we settled because we still owned our house in WV and Joel was the only one working. Joel and I kept having the discussion about settling for something less than what we wanted again. I really didn't want to do that again. It essentially cost more than it should that way because you buy and sell again and then again to really be satisfied. The selling point of the new house is the location. It is one mile from Joel's office and literally across the street from the elementary and middle school. We are truly stepping out in faith because we haven't sold our existing house, especially in the existing housing market! We both feel good about this move. That is a positive. There have been times in our marriage that we haven't been in agreement. I admit, I would feel even better if we were making a clean break from the existing house, but it is also good to have faith. Joel has been watching the new neighborhood for over a year and this is the first house that wasn't under contract when he first saw it. It was just meant to be. I truly believe that! Please continue to pray the existing house sells soon. It is a compete mess right now! You should see all the boxes! :oP

Leader or follower? Carefree or Cautious?

Are you the leader or the follower? Are you carefree or cautious? I think I can be all of them according to my mood or the atmosphere around me.

The first thing I thought when I looked at this picture was about the rooster. "How stupid of him!" Then I thought about the hens in the back. When I mentioned this to my husband he said "Men are born to lead fearlessly!" Wow, that was great insight for me into how God created men and women differently. I can hear the conversation going on amongst the "chatty hens all full of gossip"!

Lord, I thank you that you created men and women different. I pray you will help me to be the support to my husband as he leads my family fearlessly into the new chapter of our life. I pray you will complete the work you have started with the sell of our existing home. I pray for peace for the children as we enter a new home and new school. Direct our path and keep us happy, healthy and safe as we follow you. Amen

Our New House

I hope I am not getting ahead of myself. If all goes well we will close on the new house 1 week from today. We have not secured the sell of the old house, but our agent thinks we are close. Please pray for the old house to sell.

We are excited. The location of the house is what sold us on it. It is 1 mile from Joel's work and less than that to the kids school. I am the only one still driving to and from work and my milage will drop by 1 mile of so. Essentially my drive is a wash.

God is good and I know he waited for this house.

Blahhhhhhhhh

I was feeling pretty good earlier..... thus my cool clown picture. THEN it happened. I was hit by reality again. My BIL went to probate ( I know very little about this process or if I am even using the term correctly) my dad's will. Again all the issues with my brother arises. Like I said reality hit again. Now I am in a bad mood and feel blah, blah and blahhhhhhhhh.

There are so many good things happening in my life I guess I needed a little balance.

I am being a little fussy about the issues with the family, but when it comes down to it I love my family very much. It also takes me back to needing to write our own will. I am just so torn when it comes to my kids. I just want to live until they are old enough to take care of themselves. Now I sound like my dad! We are going to have to write our will as soon as we complete the purchase of our new house. Did you read that? The purchase of our new house. Yes, it is true. I am packing to move and the move is coming up fast. We will be so happy to finally move on. Okay, back to reality..... We have to write that dreadful will! Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Picture of the Day

Check the reading level of your blog

Okay, while reading other blogs I found out how to check the reading level of your blog. The blog I was reading was on a middle school level. So, naturally I decided to check my blog out.

I was glad I was at a high school level, but I am a college graduate.... shouldn't I be at a higher level? I have NEVER thought of myself as a good writer, so I suppose I should be tickled my level is higher than a grade school level!

Click on the icon above to check your level just for fun! :o)

A major milestone in my journey

I will probably talk in riddles to those of you who really don't know me at all, but I will try to make some sense to you.

I received some terrible news about someone who hurt me deeply. This family hurt me about 20 years ago. For the last 20 years I have tried to let go of that hurt. The hurt was deep. I was so young and I didn't really understand much about life. This occurrence in my life almost shattered me emotionally, professionally and spiritually. I have had baggage from this hurt for all of my adult life. Baggage that has affected my marriage and the relationship with my husband's family. It has been a large source of my insecurities. Feeling of inadequacies, of never being good enough, unworthy of love and acceptance.

One of the members of this family has been diagnosed with cancer. Not one that people usually recover from either. At first I said " We reap what we sow." My heart was immediately sorry for giving into my flesh! How could I be so callous when I am grieving the death of my father. This person, let's call her Mary for fun. Mary is loved by someone. Even if I can't imagine why! She is a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother.... she has a soul. A soul that is in danger of hell fire if she hasn't changed her ways since I knew her. Regardless of the hurt she inflicted on me she is loved by a heavenly father. Mary also is grieving the death of her mother. Her mother died two weeks ago. My heart is burdened.

I will not know how Mary's treatment goes or her prognosis, but I will pray for her and her family. When her death comes I pray she will be ready to stand before God and that she enters into heaven. I pray for her husband, children and grandchildren as they will grieve someone they love. I will never be welcome to pay my respects so I will do what I know is right and pray. Please pray for her too.

As I laid down to go to bed last night I earnestly prayed for her for the first time in 20 years! For her family, her health, her soul. I prayed for someone who hurt me so deeply with such compassion. As I type, I shed tears for her family. I shed tears because I am finally free of BITTERNESS against the hurt that was inflicted so many years ago. FREE! What a beautiful word! I just didn't realize I was free. When did I break free? Was it as I prayed last night or have I been free for years but satan blinded me?

This is a major milestone in my journey to heaven. I have to forgive others! Forgiveness is not a choice. I know I have other hurts in my life that I will continue to work to overcome, but this one is a major milestone for me! I have often wondered if I would be a slave to this hurt for eternity. I know the scar will remain, but the hurt is gone (I think, at least it feels that way right now).

Shattered Dreams take 2

Just for clarification..... My shattered dreams post was not about me feeling blue....but about the porta-potty at the end of the rainbow. I just thought it was hilarious! There are a few things in life we know aren't real or too good to be true. The pot of gold at the end of a rainbow is just one of those things!

Have a great day! :oP

Good Day!

I will post more eventually about why this has been a good day! Just continue to pray that what has started will be finished!

Shattered Dreams

Don't plan to find a pot of "Gold" at the end of the rainbow! LOL!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

I have reflected today. I have not shed as many tears as I thought I might have. Daddy's first birthday without him is about to end. We will never have this first to deal with again. Boy, am I glad that one is almost behind me! My kids have even talked about Daddy today. :o) We all miss him.

RIP Daddy!

Let Freedom Ring..... A day late!

I know I am a day late. This year is a little tougher than years past. I know I am supposed to be thankful and enjoy this holiday. In my family this holiday has been a holiday of celebrating life! My dads birthday is July 6th. My mother-in-laws birthday is on the 4th! The fourth of July has not been a celebration of life this year. It all started 11 years ago. Boy, this sounds like one of those when I was a kid I walked to school up hills both ways with a foot of snow stories!

Eleven years ago Joel and I announced our first pregnancy. We announced it with such excitement. We bought T-shirts for each one of our parents that said "Grandma to BEE" or "Grandpa to Bee" with a cute bee celebrating. We wrapped them as gifts and announced to the family we were having a baby. We had been married for 5 years and everyone was waiting for this announcement. The night before our announcement I dreamed that I miscarried after we made the announcement. I asked Joel if we should not make the announcement. He said "no way, we bought all of those T-shirts." or something of the sorts. I miscarried the day after we made the announcement. :o( I often wonder if it was God preparing my heart for disappointment. It was a very hard loss. As I look back over the last 11 years I have had sadness each year at this time to some level. But I have also seen God bless me with two beautiful children. He was faithful.... as he always is. This year I am sad because my dad is in heaven and we can not celebrate his life here on earth. I suppose we could look at it in a different way. I suppose we could celebrate his eternal life with Jesus. It has just been hard to wrap my head around that. Grief has been heavy this year. I suspect that is very normal in the process.

I know God is faithful and his love is deeper than I can possibly understand! I hope to celebrate my dads eternal life with Jesus next year. My mom has reminded me that dad is in heaven holding the baby I miscarried so many years ago. Eventually that thought will be soothing to my weary soul.

I hope each of you was able to enjoy the freedom we have in the US. Freedom to write a blog about God's faithfulness. Bless you, my blog buddies!

Playing along

My friend Julie did great playing along. Thanks for playing! The mountains sound great! :o)