Every feel like this?

Church

I know going to church is part of being a christian. The word says not to forsake the assembling together. So, my question is WHY is it so hard for me? Since Mommy has died it is so hard for me to be in the presence of the Lord. I realized this last night. I went to church. I haven't been too much since Mommy died. Not because of anything other than busyness. Malakhi is playing travel baseball and those games happen on the weekends. I just find it emotionally painful to be in worship.

I have examined my heart. I don't feel angry. I know Mommy and Daddy were longing to go to heaven. I know they wanted to be with the Lord. I know it had to be the way it is. What I can't figure out is why I feel so much emotional pain when I am in church or even listening to worship songs. I know that the Lord is our refuge. So, why doesn't he feel like my refuge? Maybe it just reminds me too much of my parents. They both loved the Lord with all their hearts and souls. I, also, know I want to make heaven my home. I have no other desire in my heart. So, WHY?

Anyone, please, with any thoughts?

My fall colors!

I know I didn't change much, but every little bit counts. Thanks Sonderella for my new banner! Your the best!

Fall is my favorite time of the year! I love to smell it in the air. The cool, crisp mornings refresh me.

Ever feel like this?

Downer

My last post was not meant to be a downer. Everything just seems to come across the wrong way with me lately. I really am glad mommy and daddy are in heaven. I am still sad though.

We are enjoying a long weekend at home. This is the first one we have spent at home in a couple of months. Summer was super busy. When we were home this summer we had company. I am doing well in grad school. I should be writing a paper right now, but would rather blog. I have to have it done by tomorrow! Guess I will do it later today. I have all kinds of work I could be doing but have been putting it off.

I got my hair cut off yesterday. Not real short, but shorter than normal. It is right above my shoulders. I am not sure what I think about it, but it is mine now. It's a good thing hair grows. LOL! I hope you all have a blessed day! :o)

Can you imagine?

I know I have been MIA, but have been so very busy! With graduate school, work and the kids... well there just isn't much time left for writing or reading anything other than text books. I do love learning, but whew... the time it has taken me. I am taking two classes so time is of the essence.

Anyway, I was thinking this morning about a blessing. It may not and has not always seemed like a blessing. I was thinking about hearing my mother and father's last prayers ever spoken. AND I GOT TO BE THERE! How amazing! Watching them take their last breaths has taken it's toll on my emotions, but how many children can say they were at the last prayer their parents ever spoke?

I remember Daddy's prayer. He was laying in the living room recliner with friends and family all around him. He was a quiet man who didn't speak much, but he was so sweetly praying for God to bring comfort. Mommy's prayer seemed more powerful, but I know it was not. My Daddy loved the Lord and was anxious to meet him face to face. A mother's prayer is special in its own way. Mommy petitioned God for something and then very convincingly told him, " I know you will Lord!". It was such a blessing to hear them both. They both faced their deaths very bravely. I want to be half as brave as they were when my time comes.

I heard the song "Can you imagine" by Mercy Me on the way to work this morning. It got me wondering what Mommy did when she met the Lord. Did she dance, run, fall on her knees? I bet she was shouting. I remember her shout. I heard it many times in church. She would shout "Glory" and "Pray you Jesus". Oh to hear her just one more time!

After Daddy died, I didn't think about the things I think about now. All I thought about was Mommy. How is she? Is she sad? Is she going to be okay? Who is taking care of her. Now, that Mommy is gone, I am coming full circle. I am really grieving both Mommy and Daddy. I have wondered if I am grieving Mommy more because I loved her more? But have come to the decision... No, I just couldn't stop taking care of Mommy to grieve Daddy. The grief belonged to her..... now it belongs to me.