I liked this one.... and it is right up my alley with my dental background.

I haven't been writing much lately. Not for fun anyway. I have had a break from school and work. I have done nothing very useful with myself. I did unpack two boxes from the garage. Mom would be glad. I still have plenty more.

I got a 4.0 in my first semester of graduate school. Nothing like setting a high standard. I have never, ever gotten a 4.0 in my life. I will only take one class this next semester. Since we are paying cash, we can't afford for me to take more than one. It is okay though. Spring will be busy.

It has been a long year. Some good things and some not so good things, but as I look back I see God's blessing on me and my family. God has been merciful.

I haven't made any resolutions for the year. Although I don't remember making any last year (maybe I should look back at my blog), I did some big things. I lost 20 pounds and have managed to keep almost all of them off! I started graduate school and carried a 4.0. Those are two biggies.

The one life changing event that occurred was my mother's death. It has been very life changing. I am still navigating the loss of both of my parents.... I think in spite of all of that I am doing well. I am still on my journey to heaven.

One thing I am doing this year is a life journal. I am going to try to read my bible more. Thanks Sondie for the journals for my family! :o)

I did start a journal on January first last year... I have made it the entire year... I wrote in it everyday! I was proud of myself. I will journal again this next year. I have my journal ready to go.

I kept a log of the books I read last year. I read 30 books. Not great, but considering I took 4 months off for graduate school and didn't list the three books I read during those months, not too bad. I haven't looked at it closely to see how many non-fiction versus fiction I read, but I would like to read more this year.... not sure if that will happen, but I will continue my book log.

For a girl with no resolutions... I just came up with a few!

1. Read the Bible more.
2. Continue to journal.
3. Continue my book log.
4. At least keep my weight off and maybe take a few more off... may be impossible, but the doctor likes my weight right now!

I hope you all had a blessed year and l look forward to blogging in the next year! I may do more blogging... who knows! We will see how time, work and graduate school goes!

Blessings!

Elisabeth's Mémoire

Title: At My Maw Maw’s Funeral
First off, you probably think I’m crazy saying a name like Maw Maw, but that’s what I called my grandma. I woke up not knowing what was going to happen in this day, but knowing it was going to be sad. I got dressed in my short black dress and my red high heels. That was what my Paw Paw had requested for his funeral so we also wore them for my Maw Maw’s funeral. The reason they were red is because red stands for love. Once I got to the Hafer funeral home for my Grandmas Funeral, I was introduced to a bunch of old people. Seeing old people made me sob because I was missing my Grandma so much. By the time the actual funeral started, I remembered the year before, when I was at the same exact funeral home. The reason I was there the year before was because my Paw Paw died. I remembered when I was sitting next to my Maw Maw sobbing and she said, “Everything was going to be okay, he’s in a better place now.” I thought there was no way, “Everything was going to be okay”. I knew my Maw Maw was dying, I could tell by the way she slowly moved around and acted. The thing is, the last time I saw her, was at my house with my relatives, but I didn’t expect it to be the last. At my Maw Maw’s funeral I sat next to my uncle, I liked sitting next to him, but his hugs just weren’t as good as my Maw Maw’s big pillow-like hugs. Five different emotions swept through me at the same time, I was sad that this had to happen. At the same time, I was sort of angry at God for letting this happen. A few songs were played, one of them was called, “Go Rest High on that Mountain.” After the funeral I knew there would be a lot of crying from my family especially from my mom, because it was her mom that had died and the year before her dad had died too. I thought that what was happening to my mom now, would someday happen to me. This made me aware to spend every day as if it’s your last.

This was a project for Elisabeth at school. It made me realize this last year has changed all of us!

Thanksgiving

Funny

Thought this was a good picture since Thanksgiving is on the way!

The storms of Life

When I looked at this picture I thought about the storms of life. Sometimes we see them coming. Sometimes we don't! What I do know is that even if they take us by surprise they NEVER take God by surprise. It also made me think of the after effects of the storm. After the storm has passed, the air always smells so clean and the surroundings so clean. Just like in life, after the storm passes life is full of hope.

I hope these thoughts encourage you as you read them. If you are in a "storm" of life, stay with the battle! Hold on... our God knows, is not surprised and will show you the rainbow at the end.

The other day while I was driving to work, I got to see a small bit of a rainbow in the dark gray sky. It was like God was say, " Hang on! See the promise of hope!" So, Hang on and Don't lose HOPE!

Happy Birthday Old Sow1025

Today is mommy's 70th birthday! Our first one without her! Gosh, I miss her! She is better off.

I saw a lady sitting in a wheel chair yesterday. It made me think of Old Sow. She would not have wanted to live like that and we were headed there. I helped the lady get her umbrella up to block her from the sun.

I am thankful that mommy is no longer suffering! She isn't lonely! She is with the Lord, resting in his arms!

Thank God!

Picture of the week... just because I like it!

I hope you have had a blessed week! :o)

RIP Dale!

Daddy's best friend passed away today. He and Daddy are in heaven together!

Please pray for his family! He was like a dad to the older kids and always looked out for us. He was a great guy!

RIP Dale!

What's going on?

I have been super busy with life. I know I keep putting up pictures and that is it! I have a fall break right now, so I thought I would update.

I have been doing loads of school work, in addition to work, baseball, volleyball, and church. Church hasn't been happening as much as I would like, but some.

My school work is going well. I have been getting excellent grades. I am about to finish my first class and have already started my second. I wanted to take two classes next semester, but we really can't afford to pay for two again. It has been tough this time. I hate that money prevents me from doing two classes, but what can you do?

I am going to spend the next two days working on homework, going to volleyball, an office picnic for Joel, laundry. I am going to be super busy. :o)

For all you who are still reading... Thanks!

My grieving process is good and bad at times. We just passed the six month point since mommy passed away and we are at a year and half since daddy passed. I feel like in six more months it will be better. I have come to the conclusion that I will never stop missing mommy and daddy, but the pain will lessen. Keep praying for us. We are coming up on a difficult time of the year. Mom's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. UGH! I really dread the holidays!

Daddy's best friend is very sick! We have been praying for him. It makes me so sad! Keep him in your prayers too!

I read this saying and really like it....Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~
"Oh Crap, She's up!"

I strive to be a Godly woman, but feel my failures each day!

Ever had a week like this?

My week was okay. Nothing to write home about.

I liked this picture because... if we look hard enough... we can always find someone worse off than we are!

This is my someone has it worse picture! Poor little man!

Every feel like this?

Church

I know going to church is part of being a christian. The word says not to forsake the assembling together. So, my question is WHY is it so hard for me? Since Mommy has died it is so hard for me to be in the presence of the Lord. I realized this last night. I went to church. I haven't been too much since Mommy died. Not because of anything other than busyness. Malakhi is playing travel baseball and those games happen on the weekends. I just find it emotionally painful to be in worship.

I have examined my heart. I don't feel angry. I know Mommy and Daddy were longing to go to heaven. I know they wanted to be with the Lord. I know it had to be the way it is. What I can't figure out is why I feel so much emotional pain when I am in church or even listening to worship songs. I know that the Lord is our refuge. So, why doesn't he feel like my refuge? Maybe it just reminds me too much of my parents. They both loved the Lord with all their hearts and souls. I, also, know I want to make heaven my home. I have no other desire in my heart. So, WHY?

Anyone, please, with any thoughts?

My fall colors!

I know I didn't change much, but every little bit counts. Thanks Sonderella for my new banner! Your the best!

Fall is my favorite time of the year! I love to smell it in the air. The cool, crisp mornings refresh me.

Ever feel like this?

Downer

My last post was not meant to be a downer. Everything just seems to come across the wrong way with me lately. I really am glad mommy and daddy are in heaven. I am still sad though.

We are enjoying a long weekend at home. This is the first one we have spent at home in a couple of months. Summer was super busy. When we were home this summer we had company. I am doing well in grad school. I should be writing a paper right now, but would rather blog. I have to have it done by tomorrow! Guess I will do it later today. I have all kinds of work I could be doing but have been putting it off.

I got my hair cut off yesterday. Not real short, but shorter than normal. It is right above my shoulders. I am not sure what I think about it, but it is mine now. It's a good thing hair grows. LOL! I hope you all have a blessed day! :o)

Can you imagine?

I know I have been MIA, but have been so very busy! With graduate school, work and the kids... well there just isn't much time left for writing or reading anything other than text books. I do love learning, but whew... the time it has taken me. I am taking two classes so time is of the essence.

Anyway, I was thinking this morning about a blessing. It may not and has not always seemed like a blessing. I was thinking about hearing my mother and father's last prayers ever spoken. AND I GOT TO BE THERE! How amazing! Watching them take their last breaths has taken it's toll on my emotions, but how many children can say they were at the last prayer their parents ever spoke?

I remember Daddy's prayer. He was laying in the living room recliner with friends and family all around him. He was a quiet man who didn't speak much, but he was so sweetly praying for God to bring comfort. Mommy's prayer seemed more powerful, but I know it was not. My Daddy loved the Lord and was anxious to meet him face to face. A mother's prayer is special in its own way. Mommy petitioned God for something and then very convincingly told him, " I know you will Lord!". It was such a blessing to hear them both. They both faced their deaths very bravely. I want to be half as brave as they were when my time comes.

I heard the song "Can you imagine" by Mercy Me on the way to work this morning. It got me wondering what Mommy did when she met the Lord. Did she dance, run, fall on her knees? I bet she was shouting. I remember her shout. I heard it many times in church. She would shout "Glory" and "Pray you Jesus". Oh to hear her just one more time!

After Daddy died, I didn't think about the things I think about now. All I thought about was Mommy. How is she? Is she sad? Is she going to be okay? Who is taking care of her. Now, that Mommy is gone, I am coming full circle. I am really grieving both Mommy and Daddy. I have wondered if I am grieving Mommy more because I loved her more? But have come to the decision... No, I just couldn't stop taking care of Mommy to grieve Daddy. The grief belonged to her..... now it belongs to me.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, back to work I go!

I have enjoyed my two weeks off work. I even worked a little. Not on work, but on things like unpacking two, yes, just two boxes. I, also, worked on homework. Ugh, why did I do this to myself? I didn't clean the house! Hehehehehehehehe! Only what had to absolutely get done. We went on vacation. It was a nice, relaxing week. And finally on Elisabeth's scrapbook for honor star crowning. For those of you that don't know what this is.... it has taken her 3 years to complete. She has read the New Testament completely and memorized 27 scriptures. She had to take a written test on those scriptures. Not just a simple fill in the blank, but write every word. She has honored not only the last 3 years, but the last 8 years. Wow! I am so proud of her! Not for just the worldly mom reasons, but the "raise them right and they will honor the Lord" reasons. I pray she will always seek and honor the Lord because of the foundation she has built in the Lord. We took pictures of her in her dress. I don't remember if I told you about the dress, but if so, entertain me for a moment. My MIL made it from my left over bridal satin. My satin was 17 years old and I never thought about it even being found, let alone to have a dress made from it 17 years later. It is amazing that I found it in the garage of packed boxes. Any way, here is one of the many pictures...


This is not the one we are using in her scrapbook. Because of the sun spots! :o(

IN HONOR OF THE OFH's!

Mayhem in Memphis

The picture above was taken on Thursday morning. The week was an interesting week. We had no hot water the first day and had to run down the hall for a shower. The third day we saw roaches in our room. Not just one... seven at one time! Yuck! Then on Thursday morning it was raining and the thunder was so loud it sounded awful! Once I got up I noticed the police car had hit a pole! How funny! The hotel was good to give us one day for free!

The night before this we watch a man on the street. He started in a wheel chair and ended up lying on the street. We wondered if he was dead. We watched him for about 5 hours. Finally some cops showed up. I decided that Memphis needs an enema! I say that kiddingly, of course. It was sad.

Memphis is an interesting town. I ate Memphis dry rub ribs. I don't even like ribs, but they were great! I went to Graceland. It was an amazing place. It reminded me of mom. Everything reminds me of mom these days. It is had for me to believe it has only been just shy of four months! This time last year, I was moving and mom was coming to see me in my new house. My how time flies and things change.

I am officially doing homework. It is okay, but my brain doesn't work like it used to. I read and read and read and read to understand. It also doesn't help that I have so many other responsibilities. I will be successful! It may kill me, but I will make it!

I have decided my brain is a sieve

As you know, I have spent this week in Memphis, TN for orientation. Well, it was not just orientation! It was class. I have been working on homework. I have been completely humbled by this experience and have many hours of homework ahead. I have really struggled to complete my homework with a clear and organized head. I read one chapter 4 times before I understood what it was trying to tell me. I know I am not that "thick". Footnote: it is a nursing book and not a hygiene book. I think it had to do with the time of the day I was attempting to read it. One of the big things I am going to have to figure out is when my brain is at its best. My brain is almost 39 and it doesn't function the way it did when I was a student in college at 17 to 21! I honestly felt like my brain was a sieve this week! I will blog later about some of the other aspects of this week, but will finish up by saying I am humbled to be a part of my class. These women are phenomenal!

Life is ever changing!

Why the tooth? Life is ever changing. Some of you who follow (the few and the brave) may have noticed that a new blog has shown up on my profile. It is a blog that is part of my new "change". You see, I am packing to spend a week in Memphis for an orientation to graduate school. You heard it! I am going back to school. I think I must be crazy! The tooth picture is in honor of graduate school. I am working toward my MDH in education aka.. teaching dental hygiene. I already do that, but without the masters degree.

I am scared, but think it will be a good thing to focus on right now instead of my grief..... I hear you all saying " You have to grieve"! I won't stop grieving, but it will help me not to grieve 24 X 7! It will give me a focus for my time. It will also help my children to understand education is important. So important that their mother is going back to school. They are also big enough that they don't need me as much as when they were toddlers.

Please pray for Elisabeth. She is have some separation anxiety. She is afraid that something will happen to me and her dad, so she doesn't want to leave us. I think this is normal, after all her world was rocked when my dad and mom died and Grandad was so sick too! She cried last night when I mentioned being away for a week. I appreciate your prayers for her. She is at such a delicate age. As much as she doesn't need me in the same way she did as a toddler, she does still need me. Pray for balance in my life.

Thanks to you, my few followers. I appreciate that you haven't been scared of by my meandering of the mind! You are brave to still be reading my blog... the deaths of my parents has officially made me "weird".

Treading Water

Well, here we are again. Treading water. The last few weeks have been busy. I had my in-laws visit for ten days. It was a ten day reminder of the losses I have had over the last year. Elisabeth had her 11th birthday. We haven't had a party for her because of Malakhi's baseball. He is playing on a travel team. The biggest thing is the fourth of July and today... my dad's birthday.

We went to Harkers Island for the fourth and I didn't have internet. It was a nice weekend. It was "unfamiliar", which was good. There were no reminders of the losses. I didn't even need to feel guilty for not being with family. You see, the fourth has always been "Christmas in July" for my family. With my dad's birthday on the sixth we always had a huge party. No laughing.. we actually got hotdog buns. You see, I am from a very poor family and the only time we got buns for our hotdogs was on the fourth. Mom also made homemade coleslaw. We had galvanized tubs of ice with drinks and watermelon.... oh, so much fun. Everybody in the community always stopped by to wish my dad a happy birthday. Well, all that has changed. This is the second year without daddy and the first without mommy. I wonder if it will ever get any easier? Will I ever stop missing them? Will the fourth ever feel the same? Like Christmas in July? Happy Birthday Daddy. I asked Jesus to tell you this for me today. I know it doesn't matter because you are sitting at his feet and your birthday is unimportant, but it makes me feel better. Like I can still talk to you. I know it isn't true but until I get to heaven I will just keep treading water and living in my fantasy world!

Jelly and Hangers

I know you are wondering what jelly has to do with hangers!

Grief strikes at the weirdest times and the weirdest things will trigger it! Last year after my dad died and we had moved to our new house I found a bundle of wire hangers. They reminded me of my dad because he had tied them with twine. That bundle of wire hangers hangs in the closet under the staircase. I can't help but think of the love my dad showed me thru out the years as I look at those hangers. He and my mom helped me pack my house in 11 days to move two states when my children were both less than 2! The newest trigger was jelly! On Father's day I was looking in the pantry for a vegetable for dinner. Instead I found 3 jars of jelly my mom made with my dad's help. I pushed them aside and kept looking. After a few seconds I picked them up and carried them into my bedroom. I realized if someone ate them I would be devastated! I got some weird looks from my kids as I was walked thru the living room with tears streaming down my face and my arms full of jelly. My dad always helped my mom make jelly, so you can imagine how old this jelly is. It can't be eaten and I wouldn't let it anyway. Those jars of jelly and that bundle of hangers are the result of the work of my parents hands. Hands that aren't capable of making anymore jelly or tying any more twine around a bundle of hangers. The jelly is sitting in my room. Almost like a shrine. I don't know if I can ever part with the jelly and hangers. I still miss Mommy and Daddy terribly and it amazes me how many times I still think about how unbelievable it is that... Mommy is really gone! After a year I have connected with my daddy's death, I hope... Maybe a year from now I will have connected with mommy's death too!

My husband was at a complete loss when he saw my jelly! I haven't memorialized anything so you can imagine why this is hard for him to understand. :o) Can anyone understand? I don't think they are capable unless they have had both parents to die. It's okay. I will continue to work thru my grief with my arms full of jelly and hangers! :o)

Deception

The above picture was sent to me in an e-mail. "This is a picture taken directly above these camels in the desert at sunset. It is considered one of the best pictures of the year. Look closely, the camels are the little white lines in the picture. The black you see are just the shadows!! "

Isn't it deceiving to realize that the camels are the white and not the black blobs? Okay, so what is my point? I feel like deception is a part of my life now. Sounds weird, but I am not happy lately. I try to pretend, there is the deception, that I am happy. No one would want to be around me or tolerate me otherwise. It is just so hard to be happy right now. My parents are gone! It's Father's day. My in-laws are visiting. That in itself is a complete miracle. Remember my father-in-law was so sick around Christmas? He is a walking miracle. I am glad he is still alive and my husband is getting to spend time with him.....however, having them visit for the last week makes me painfully aware of the lack of my parents. My mother-in-law even questioned as to whether it was too soon for them to come because it might make me and the kids so sad. I reassured her that we need to go on living and the kids need to continue to have a relationship with them. Although, this visit has made Elisabeth very sad. She has cried several times. I hold her and comfort her. Why is Grief so hard? Why can't we just get over it? I quoted the scripture about God turning our mourning into dancing to Elisabeth.... Well, I am just waiting for the dancing?

Counting Calories

I have officially become a calorie counter. How did this happen? I have never been a dieter in my life: however, I was heavier than my doctor wanted me to be prior to becoming a calorie counter. It all started when Joel downloaded the Lose it app to my phone and challenged me to a duel. Just let me say, he quit within a week!

I have been counting calories for four months. I have lost sixteen pounds. I am in the range my doctor has wanted me to be in for the last three to four years. I have spoken to my doctor several times to make sure I was being health. She reassured me I was.

Sixteen pounds! I have people concerned for me. I think it is because of my mothers death. I had been counting calories for two months prior to her death and no one really noticed the weight loss because it was minimal. But now that I have lost sixteen pounds people are noticing. I admit grieving is hard. At times I didn't eat as well as I should at the time of my mothers death but I am making sure to eat at least as many calories as the doctor advised me to eat. I have also realized that my mom was unhealthy and her weight didn't help her any. I don't want to have my weight to be an issue with my health. My blood pressure has been really good since I lost the weight too. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure at the young age of 37. It wasn't because I was over weight, but I was at the top of my acceptable weight. I am still not at the bottom. I want to lose a few more pounds to be at the bottom so I can have some room to breath.

Why? I want to be healthy. I want to be around for my kids for many more years to come. Counting calories has worked for me because it makes me accountable for the food I put in my mouth. The lose it app is great because it simplifies a task and minimizes the amount of time it takes to keep track. I would recommend counting calories. I have complained for the last several years about being too heavy. I had starting exercising and thought the weight would fall off because it always did when I was in my twenties. It doesn't work that way now that I am close to forty! Now I have to eat less and exercise.

Forty! Am I really going to be forty soon? Wow, a year and I will be getting ready to celebrate forty years in this life! I hope to be in better shape and weigh a few more pounds less than now!

Book Review- The Orphaned Adult

I read this book as a self-help book and it is written by Alexander Levy. A great hospice counselor recommended it. My heart skipped a beat when she said the title. Since Mom has passed away I have felt orphaned. I have had so many fellow christians to say, " You are not an orphan! You are a child of God!" I agree, however, I no longer have earthly parents. This book explains that feeling. It is normal when both parents have passed away to feel orphaned. He uses the analogy of driving down the road of life and being able to look in the rear view mirror and see your parents. Parents who have taught you since conception. Parents who have supported and loved through out good times and bad. But once your parents pass away upon looking in that mirror there is no longer parents to find that support or get advice about situations. Thus the feeling of being an orphan or alone. This book also explains that we should give grace to people who don't understand because they don't have the ability to understand being an orphan until both of their parents are deceased. He explains that after the death of the first parent children typically do not own grief. They leave that part to the surviving parent and the child takes the role of worrying about and caring for the surviving parent. He also says that once that surviving parent dies the surviving child or children must then own their grief. Siblings are not support for one another because they are all in the same situation trying to grieve.

I can attest to all of those things. In the last year, I worried about my mother daily. I called her daily, sometimes multiple times just to check on her. I even helped her purchase she and daddy's grave stone to help her grieve. Now, I have no one to worry over. I have had to face my loss head on. It has been difficult. Difficult in ways I could not imagine prior to mommy dying. Each day I called her during my drive home from the office. Now I struggle emotionally each day because I can't call her. When will I stop thinking "Oh, gotta call mommy!". I miss sharing my joys. Joys of my children's successes. Things like Malakhi's home run last weekend and the kids earning the highest possible scores on every End of Grade test they took this school year. I can't call her to find out what the "secret" ingredient was in my favorite dish. I can't call for advice on raising my daughter. My mom was one of my very best friends who I can no longer talk to. Elisabeth will honor star crown and I can't get a letter for the scrap book I am making for her from my mom. A mom who was so instrumental in helping me to become the woman I am and the mother I hope to be. People don't understand because they can still call their mother. I must allow people to not understand, but they must also allow me the freedom to feel and grieve anyway I need to. I don't grieve publicly because of judgement. It has been two months tomorrow since she died. Two months? That's all? It feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. But people expect grief to be the few days around the services, but I can tell you it takes longer than that. My mom has been an intricate part of my life for almost 39 years I can not expect to be over it in a month or two. I will just keep it inside the walls of my home.

I would recommend this book for anyone grieving the loss of both parents. :o)

My New Look

My new look is compliments of Sondie. Thanks sis! You keep my blog page looking good!

Making a Silk purse with the ear of a Sow

I feel like the last year or so has been equal to making a silk purse with the ear of a Sow! I feel like I have done about as well too!

I had the week off. So, I spent the week working on a scrapbook for Elisabeth for Honor Star Crowning. I don't need to have it completed until August, but knew I needed to spend my week wisely. My time is going to be precious (more on that later). As I was asking Elisabeth who she would like to write letters of encouragement and love for this book I came to learn, some things aren't possible. She wants a letter from my mom. If I could retrieve one from the grave I would. However, this is impossible. Even in the "happy" moments I am aware of her loss. As Elisabeth and I cried I thought of the bible my mom gave Elisabeth and realized there are some words Mom wrote in it. IF I can find it... probably still in a box in the garage my mom lovingly told me I needed to get unpacked the last time she was here, I will add those words to her scrapbook.

I couldn't help but think about this week last year. I spent 3 to 4 days with my mom. I helped her design and purchase she and Daddy's tomb stone! Whew! Who knew we would need it so soon.

As for my time... well I promised mommy on her death bed that I would go back to school and earn my masters degree. I promised this at a time when I knew my application had been marked "alternate". So, when my status was changed to "accepted", I knew I had to accept the position. I will start graduate school in July. So you see this album that I need by August must be completed as much as possible prior to July. I'm caught up with all I can do. Now I am waiting on letters and hoping to find that bible! I also need to purchase a dress, if we don't use the one from Julie, and have pictures made. This will be added to the scrapbook too.

The thought of being a student again makes me a nervous wreck! I know, however, that God is in control and I must continue to rest and rely on him. I know it is the perfect time. My silk purse is almost done I hope. I also hope the next project will not be as difficult as watching both my parents die. By watching I mean standing by their beds and watch them take their last breath! Not easy but necessary! Grad school can't be any harder than that, right?

I miss mom and dad terribly and feel the voids everywhere I turn, but I will continue to live and work at healing.

Sold

Finally! After two years of being on the market we have sold our house. We were under contract three times before it actually sold!

I don't understand the timing, but I know God is never late... but always on time.

There has been a few things happen in my life that I question the timing. I always figure out later why the timing was perfect, so I hope that is the case.

I am just Thankful we only own one house now! :o)

Today is one month... the milestones start again!

We are attending Camp Reflections given by Hospice. It is for children 5 to 18. Malakhi is not attending, but Sondie, Erin, Elisabeth and myself are.

Introductions last night were difficult. It's hard to face. There are people who have had children, spouses and parents die. The girls feel blessed to still have their parents.

So far, so good.

Monday Greetings

I like this little pig. It looks so happy! And boy, oh boy, I do need a little happy! I think we all do.

The weather has been beautiful. My roses are out in full bloom. I'll bet I have two dozen already.

Hope your Monday was "happy"!

A year

Has it really been a year without you daddy? It feels like yesterday in some ways and forever in other ways. I miss you! Now that mommy is gone too I feel like an orphan... I am no ones daughter. I have no one to call for advice, recipes or encouragement.

I am thankful my mom didn't have to face this day. Even though the pain is fresh from her death. It is difficult to separate the grief. Am I grieving mom or dad? I think both. We will have another year of first. I had hoped not to experience moms death so soon.

I did set up Hospice camp for the kids and I am going with them. I know it will do us all some good.

The kids are asking really hard questions this time.

RIP Daddy! RIP Mommy!

Making a Handbag and coin purse

Elisabeth and I spent about an hour this evening making these. It is for a "Free Marketing" project at school. She will sell these to her class mates for classroom dollars. She may call her business " Reduce, Reuse, Recycle". I think she is creative! All the girls in the class wants one. Everyone from several classes are giving her their trash to make into treasures. She is a real blessing to have in my life! Mom would be proud of our creative abilities!

Two weeks

Two weeks ago today my mom died. Has it really been two weeks? Have you really been gone only two weeks. It seems like a short time and a long time! Not speaking to her for two weeks seems like a long time since I spoke to her everyday. Not seeing her seems like a short time since I didn't see her often. It is all perception.

I miss her.

The Call

I finally made the call to Hospice for grief counseling. I have put off that call since daddy died. Now it is necessary to face. I want to have the kids go to some counseling. I will probably attend some as well.

Based on the website we are doing things to help the process, but it is always good to have professional help. I have already had the kids to meet with their counselor at school too.

These steps are necessary to make a better recovery!

Colored Eggs

My mom always celebrated holidays with every fiber of her being! She was always happy no matter what the circumstances of life were. She was always smiling no matter what! If life handed her lemons she made lemonade. So you can imagine when I forgot the egg coloring kit I thought of mom. She ALWAYS made sure we colored eggs. My mom would have been so disappointed in my lack of celebration. I didn't make it out to the store to pick up a kit, so I did the next best thing. I got out the crayons and we colored eggs. It was definitely something mom would have come up with! I know she would be proud.
Here are the eggs we colored yesterday!

The Apple Tree

Several years ago I was cutting an apple up for the kids, myself and my dad to eat. We were sharing. When I cut the apple open 5 seeds had started to sprout. My dad was amazed that the seeds had sprouted inside the apple. He decided he was going to plant them and see if they would grow. The kids were probably 2 and 4 years old. They are now 9 and almost 11.

He tended these little seeds and one of them grew into a small tree. He wanted me to have the little tree. I planted it in the front yard of the house we moved away from in August 2008. I wanted to move the tree to our new house but had to wait until it was the right time of the year.

A few weeks ago when my mom was visiting, her last visit, we wanted to move the apple tree. It wasn't in bloom enough to move. I was disappointed because I thought it would be great for my mom to witness the move.

Yesterday the tree was moved to it's new home. I promised mommy and daddy I would get the tree moved and I did. I am so appreciative of my brother in law Aaron and his new wife. They were such a big help.

I know my mom and dad do not live in this tree, but it matters. My Daddy and I shared the apple that this tree came from. It reminds me of the green thumb my daddy had. He could grow anything! I hope my tree lives. It is wilted right now, but I know we have done the best we can to help it survive.

Once the tree grows up, I want to place a bench under it so I can sit and think about the hands that lovingly planted that little seed. If I could only have the faith of a little seed the season I am in would not seem so hard.

Happy Easter. Celebrate because Jesus is alive and I have hope of seeing my mom and dad again. I do have faith in that!

Blessings to you and yours. :o)

Miles away

I just feel so many miles away from the people who really understand my loss. I guess to sum it up.... I feel lonely. I wonder do they feel lonely too?

RIP Mommy

Geneva Ann Newhouse

Died April 2, 2009 at 10:15 A.M. less than one year (April 22, 2008) after the love of her life went on to be with Jesus. She was 69 years old.

I heard her pray her last time. It was so moving and beautiful. She and Jesus had church!

Rest in Peace Mommy!

The last two weeks!

It was a grueling week! But I will discuss the last two.

My mom came to NC for a visit. She was at my house for 3 1/2 days and then went to Sondie's house for 3 1/2 days. She didn't look good. I noticed right away her face was swollen and full. She thought it was a side effect of one of her medications. I sang "funny face I love you" to her. While she was with me her blood sugar was out of control. It has never been out of control. She could hardly get up and move and she slept a lot. Almost all the time.

On Tuesday she got results to blood work and found out she was in kidney failure and she needed to see a specialist. She refused! She told us "NO DIALYSIS!"

Last Thursday she left to go back home. On her way she fell at the rest area. She couldn't get up and asked my niece to call an ambulance. She dislocated her left shoulder. Later we found out that it was also broken. Sondie and I took off to help my niece at the hospital. They were about 3 hours from all the family. My niece had two children (4 and 7 years old) in addition to my mother. What a grueling day for her! She was torn between wanting to be with my mom and not leaving the girls in the waiting room. My sister, Donna, fell that day at the same time. Donna and mom were both in emergency rooms, different ones, at the same time! (side note: Donna is the sister who lives and takes care of my mother)

Mom was released from the hospital in Mt. Airy, NC on Friday. Sondie and I continued on to WV to assist my niece in the trip. Mom couldn't hardly get up. We weren't sure what to do. Saturday she stopped urinating very much and Sondie had noticed in the hospital her urine was strong and cola or tea colored with sediment in it. By Sunday my mom was in terrible pain and we were worried she had dislocated her shoulder again. We called an ambulance and took mom back to the hospital. That was a week ago today. Saturday (last week) seemed like a death watch. We ordered a hospital bed and tried to keep mom comfortable. It was awful. So when we followed the ambulance out of the "holler" we felt like it was mom's last ride. It was awful. I thought I was over reacting because of losing daddy.

At the hospital we found out that mom was in full renal failure. Acute Renal Failure. WOW! Sondie and I drove home to NC on Sunday evening knowing we were going back the next day. I researched ARF and found out the survival rate was bleak. I spent two hours at work on Monday and then took off to WV. Donna had called at 7 to let me know she didn't think mom was going to make it.

We tried a few things medically to jump start her kidney's but to no avail. On Tuesday we went to comfort measures so mom could die.

Mom passed away on Thursday, April 2 at 10:15. Less than a year since my daddy died. We didn't see this one coming, but we did get to spend mom's last 4 days with her just like we did with daddy. There are more details but I am exhausted and can't share them in writing right now.

All I know is my mom and dad are both gone and I am only 38 years old. HOW did this happen already. My mom was only 69!

The doctors decided the cause of her Acute Renal Failure was the auto immune disorder she had been fighting. She had Pemphigus Bolus and Linear IGG. It is rare and attacked her immune system. Her kidneys, thyroid, diabetes.....etc.... her last blood work showed this.

Sondie and I have talked about daddy spending his last Easter in NC with us in 2008, but little did we know it was Mommies last Easter too! Mommy and Daddy's last trips were to NC to see us. You see Daddy and Mommy couldn't come to my house last year.... it was on the market! Funny... it still is, we just moved on... Thank God... because this time mommy could visit me!

GO REST HIGH ON THAT MOUNTAIN MOMMY! YOUR WORK ON EARTH IS DONE!

Champions!

Malakhi's baseball team won the "Top Gun" Spring tournament this weekend! It was a great start for his "travel" baseball team.

Disappointments

There are disappointments around every corner for me. It seems like there are just somethings we can't outrun. Certain things follow us forever. Will I ever beat the demons which haunt me?

Perseverance

James 1:12
12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life,which God has promised to those who love him.

Okay, I get it.... I am blessed because I will remain steadfast. I will receive a crown of life. It is God's promise! I know quitting is not an option. I must remain strong in the Lord, not in myself.


1 Corinthians 12:26-27 (Contemporary English Version)

26If one part of our body hurts, we hurt all over. If one part of our body is honored, the whole body will be happy.

27Together you are the body of Christ. Each one of you is part of his body.

I appreciate all of my fellow christians who are praying for me. I know I will get to the other side.

Hebrews 12:1-2 (Contemporary English Version)

Hebrews 12

1Such a large crowd of witnesses is all around us! So we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially the sin that just won't let go. And we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us. 2We must keep our eyes on Jesus, who leads us and makes our faith complete. He endured the shame of being nailed to a cross, because he knew that later on he would be glad he did. Now he is seated at the right side [a] of God's throne!

I will continue to run the race!

These are all scriptures and thoughts from last nights sermon. I know it was for me. :o)

Spring Break

I am on Spring Break. I have worked at home and at work. It seems like I could work non-stop and still have "stuff" to do!

Seasons of Life

I love this picture.... Of course it is compliments of "google images"... but I love it nonetheless.

I am in a new season of life. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like life hasn't quit hitting me. I have officially been knocked to my knees and they are raw as I crawl along the road of life.

It all started with my surgery to have my gallbladder removed. It continued with my diagnoses of high blood pressure at the tender age of 37. Then moved to the fast and furious pace of my dad's illness and death. Next we went to the move and not selling our house... still haven't.... after two failed contracts. This list hasn't even included my precious niece who was scalded with 150 degree water.... deemed abuse with removal and destruction of families ( my family).... hearing still in progress and finally the illness of my father in law. All of this in just 15 months. My question... How can a body, mind and spirit take this kind of battering?

I have stepped down from my position in the middle school girls. I feel like an empty vessel and decided to "sit at the Father's feet for awhile". I need to bask in his love. The list above hasn't killed me, so it has made me stronger. I can't feel the strength yet, but know I will see it eventually. I will miss the girls, but I can not continue to pour out of an empty spirit. I pray this is the move of a christian who is mature enough to realize her own spiritual needs. A week or so ago I realized I couldn't find Jesus because it seems so dark. I know he is holding me in the palm of his hand but....... Thank God I have a solid level of faith or I would be lost. We all would be with the Lords saving Grace.

Why does God continue to fool with me when I feel like such a failure is completely beyond me! I know it his never ending love. Oh I haven't committed any major sin... I have just fallen to my knees. I have thought about the song " The warrior is a child" a lot over the past week. We all need to drop our swords and cry for awhile and then get back up and continue to battle. God is good and he will see me through this season. I will be stronger in the end. God has good plans and he will work all things together for good.

The Cotillion Ball

Last night was Elisabeth's first "Ball". The kids were "mostly" fifth graders. I say mostly because there are never enough boys for all the girls to have a dance partner. This is an old tradition that has been refined. It started in the 1700's in France. It then moved on to Germany and eventually to New York. I thought it was great for Elisabeth because it teaches social manners, etiquette and ball room dancing. Albeit, the girls (or ladies) and the boys (gentlemen) won't even look at each other as they dance. They are such an awkward age it is funny. In one aspect I felt badly for Elisabeth. She was taller than all the boys her age and when she twirled she had to duck down. It was bad for the gentlemen as well.... how humiliating to be shorter than your dance partner. One boy stood on his tip toes! How funny! However, Elisabeth did get to dance with some of the "helper" boys who are older. It was good for her because these boys have been "paid dancers" for the girls for many years and she danced gracefully. It is always better if the man leads well. Notice the picture of her foot. I know it isn't visible on the picture, but she got stepped on and her foot was all skinned! hehehehehe! Isn't adolescent wonderful. Those "icky" boys!

On a more serious note. It was a reminder that our little girl is growing up too fast. She was so beautiful (thanks Julie for the dress it was perfect). She really looked like such the lady. (Minus the purple cast she received a few weeks ago, however she only had to manage one glove) It won't be too many years and she will be graduating high school and starting college. I am going to enjoy the years we have left with her at home! It seems that she was just a baby yesterday!

The Letter of the Day

Rules: IT'S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS! USE THE 1ST LETTER OF YOUR FIRST NAME TO ANSWER EACH OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. THEY HAVE TO BE REAL PLACES, NAMES, THINGS. NOTHING MADE UP! YOU CAN'T USE YOUR NAME FOR THE BOY/GIRL NAME QUESTION.

1. What is your last name? Susan
2. A 4 Letter Word: Sand
3. A Boy's Name: Sam
4. A Girl's name: Sabrina
5. An Occupation: Spy
6. A Color: Sage
7.. Something you wear: Shoes
8. A Beverage: Soda
9. A Food: Soup
10. Something found in the bathroom: Soap
11. A place: San Diego
12. A Reason for being late: Slept in
13. things you shout: ? Stop


Just for fun on a snow day!

March "Roars" in like a Lion

School and work have both been canceled! We don't have much snow. Just a few inches. But I can guarantee we will enjoy the day off. Making up classes won't be any fun.

The sell fell through!

Because of the every changing mortgage rules the buyers can not secure a loan.

We will continue to rest in the Lord. He knows what we need and he continues to pay the bills.

Seems like there is always someone with their hand out, something to pay for, or another bill. Some how God continues to provide.

Twilight

I have read the entire series that goes along with this book. I am not going to review the series but give you an opinion. My daughter is almost 11 years old. Her friends are reading this book. As a parent I am completely appalled! It is not the material a young person should read. WHY? It glorifies the image of vampires. The vampires in this book are "good" because they are vegetarian. How? They feed on animal blood instead of human blood. I must say it was creative on the authors part. There is one scene in the book that a bad vampire wants to kill Bella and drink her blood. That is a scary scene and does depict vampires in their stereotype. Anyway I got sidetracked... how does it glorify? It glorifies because they live forever and do not age. Bella and her beloved Edward will live together forever IF Bella is changed into a vampire. The series centers around Bella becoming a vampire. Who wouldn't want that (to age and never die)? I would love to think I could live without aging and never face death. After the last year I have started to wonder about the circle of life anyway. After watching my dad die I wonder about alternatives. There are none.... unless I become a vampire! Okay for those of you who know me that sentence doesn't concern you, because you know I am not in the least bit serious. But a young person reading the book could be. A young person searching. We live in a society that is searching but not looking for God. We also live in a society that allows children to raise themselves and do whatever they want without boundaries! In the front of the book the author even has a scripture. That was my daughters argument for reading the book... How bad can it be mom it has scripture in it?

Just my opinion!

Sickness

I will spare you the details, but we have had a little bit of sickness in our house. Today is Malakhi's turn!

Elisabeth has broken her left wrist/arm. I had a headache yesterday while the "sickness" was around and didn't want her to go roller skating with her school. However, she ended up riding with a friend of hers. I had a looming feeling of doom but dismissed it ( I try not to focus on negativity) . Within a half hour of her leaving I got the dreaded phone call saying she had fallen and hurt her arm. I asked which one and when I heard it was the one she broke when she was four I just knew it was broken again. I went right away. Her dad ended up taking her to the emergency room. We will get her in to see the orthopedic doctor for a cast this week. Big SIGH! She is fun to take care of. She can't change her clothes, put her hair up, tie her shoes.... It is like having a three year old again only more impatient and demanding! LOL! She really has been doing great. However, she is the talk of her class right now. She has gotten a few calls and e-mails to check on her. I think she is enjoying the attention!

She and Malakhi are going to represent their new school in the "first in fitness" competition. Malakhi is going to run the hundred yard dash(he ran it in 14.4 seconds) and Elisabeth is doing the standing long jump (she jumped 6'4"). I sure hope her arm doesn't interfere! Her dad told her it would help her... LOL! How? I'm not sure!

We hosted some guest in our home that were serving at our church this weekend. We ended up with three teenage boys. They were a pleasure to host! Very nice young men!

Shallow and empty

I am feeling shallow, empty and transparent lately!

We do have a lot going on. We got an offer on our house and we are under contract BUT..... and there is always a but...... now there is some concern about the buyers credit.

If it is time for God to sell the house, then it will sell. If not we continue to move ahead.

Blessings