Skulk

According to dictionary.com a few of the definitions of Skulk are:


A skulk is a group of fox.

OR

lie in wait, lie in ambush, behave in a sneaky and secretive manner.

My blog has become a place for some of you to skulk. I know from my counter along the side that you are out there reading. You are being secretive.

I want to hear from you! Leave me comments. Let me know you are there. Don't stop reading just start communicating with me. :o)

Entitled

I talked to my mom last night for "Mother's Day". I had trouble getting in touch with her. They had a storm and did not have electricity. As much as I love my mom, just talking to her stressed me out again. The conversation always ends up in some way or another talking about my brother! I didn't bring him up. Mom did. He is going to go home after Sonderella and I both have been there so he can make sure we didn't take anything that he is "entitled" to take! I will never be able to tell him this...but he is the only one taking anything. Why does he feel entitled?

I have no desire to have what few worldly possessions my mom and dad have. My parents are poor! If I want a $50 circular saw...I'll go buy one! I guess that is why my brother refers to Sonderella and I as "Rich B*&%#$%&%^!" I just do not want to go home and deal with all of this! He won't be there in person, but he lurks around all the time!

Entitled-To furnish with a right or claim to something: The coupon entitles the bearer to a 25 percent savings. Every citizen is entitled to equal protection under the law. (dictionary.com)

Who furnished him with the right to claim all of my dad's possessions? I suppose he is the first born and only son.....but.....he is one of 5! As I stated before...he is the only son to shake his fist in my parents face and curse them. He is the only son to steal from them. He is the only son....How pathetic is that!

I heard from my sister she will not be around when something happens to mommy. It was funny to hear her say that....I feel the same way. It is a shame that no one will stand up to him. I won't. I know that sounds lame, but I was beat up by him once and I won't put myself in that position again. NO WORLDLY GOODS ARE WORTH IT!

He will ultimately pay for his sins some day, just as I will pay for mine.

Mom said he sent her a nice basket of flowers for Mother's day and he doesn't thing he has done anything wrong by taking dad's things....he even took one of mom's rings. He took the ring Joel and I gave to dad! What entitled him to that?

My stomach is in knots just thinking about going home. My mom needs me, so I must go, but I sure don't want to go!

Will this nightmare ever end?

Cruise to the Bahamas

We took a much needed break. It was the first cruise for Joel and the kids. My sister, Rose, and her husband, Chuck, went with us. It was their first cruise too. It was a "free" cruise that ended up being one of our most expensive vacations ever. Oh well, life is too short. Everyone really enjoyed them selves. We all had favorites that were different. Biz loved shopping from the locals. She purchased a great dress for the captain's dinner with matching beads.
Khi's favorite was the jet ski with his dad.












Joel's favorite was the food and jet ski.


My favorite was spending some time with my family and relaxing. I really needed to "rest" from all the emotional turmoil. I go home to see my mom in a few days and must face facts of my dad's death again.














Ecclesiastes 3

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Life goes on. There is a time and season for all. One of my dad's favorite passage from the bible is Ecclesiastes 3.

Murder

I have been praying a lot about my family bickering. As I have been praying and putting pressure on myself to "fix" everything God took me to a story in the bible.

Genesis 4:8

Now Cain said to his brother Able, "Let's go out to the field." And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Able and killed him.

The very first family in the bible had problems. The very first siblings in the bible committed the first murder in history. God is working to set me free of guilt and condemnation in this situation. Sonderella told me yesterday that she saw that I had put forth a lot of effort to keep peace over the years. I know not to look for approval from man but from God. (Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trust in the Lord is kept safe.) But man can be used to confirm things in us and Sonderella was used to confirm what God was speaking.

God is helping me to see that I can not expect my family to be perfect. Sin came into this world and sin continues to keep us from living in peace. Satan doesn't want harmony in my family. I will continue to pray against Satan's evil plan and pray for God to reign.

Guilt and condemnation does not come from God. Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

As you see, I do know how to fight a spiritual battle. With the word of God. When we put on the armour of God we can fight. The sword of the spirit is God's word.

I know this battle is the Lords. ( I Samuel 17:47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's and he will give all of you into our hands.) This statement reminds me of a song I grew up singing. The chorus goes something like this....the battle is his, the victory is mine and the victory is sweet.

Dear Lord,

I pray for you to fight this battle. Please help me to turn it over to you and allow you to handle it. I pray for a pure heart and a right spirit in me. Bring peace as only you can.

Amen.

Fight or Flight

As I do some evaluation of myself; I find I suffer from the "fight or flight" syndrome. If I feel threatened I react in the classic fight or flight way.

I have found several scriptures against this "normal" reaction.

Proverbs 13:3

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

How many times have I not guarded my lips? How many times have I brought ruin to myself?

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger?

Me again! How many times have I snapped and caused more trouble?

Proverbs 15:8

A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

Ouch! That "fight or flight" reaction is getting me into all kinds of trouble!

I know the "fruits of the spirit" are the way to over come my imperfections.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I am not foolish enough to think I will ever be perfect. I just want to be like Christ.

Philippians 2:5

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

Dear Lord,

Forgive me for my failures and help me to be more like you. Help me to meditate on your word and count my blessings!

Amen

Siblings Continued

My brother continues to bully! He proceeded to empty the garage at my mom's and took all of my dad's clothes. Once again no one stood up to him. All I can say is I am glad I was not there! It could have been ugly! He told my mom "I am done with her!" I am glad he is done with me. Maybe I won't have to worry about him being abusive to me any longer! I think I deal with guilt because families are not supposed be like we are...they are supposed to love each other and get along. I can only pray it isn't my issue, but his.

Sonderella and I talked today about the blow up the day after my dad died and she said it is just easier if the girls stay clear of "brother bully" and not cause issues. I agree with her, but that day it took everything in me not to curse him and knock his head off. I just hate the control he has over us.

As I said in my earlier post....I love my sisters....they mean the world to me. I know we will always be close. My dad's death has been very stressful and I know we were all trying to cope. I have thought about the middle sister...I mean the one right in the middle.....she is the one that generally gets along with the two older sibs and the twins....she really worked hard to keep peace during those eight stressful days. I can't image the pressure she felt! My oldest sister fell apart...I didn't image she would ever fall so completely apart. So imagine with me for a minute.....there are 5 of us....

1....Bully Brother
2....Sister falling apart
3....Middle sister trying to be glue
4....Twin 1
5....Twin 2

Can you imagine the chaos.....Twin 1 could have several labels ( I am twin 1) the tall twin, the whinny twin.....these are two that have followed me since childhood....Twin 2 could have several labels as well....I will not use them here because I love her too much to hurt her with these unfair labels.....

It is so hard to "break free" of being the things we have been viewed as all our lives....God sees me as someone completely different than my siblings I view me...People who know me as an adult see me as someone different than my sibs view me as....Who do I see myself as? That is what matters most!

Notice I have not listed anything about myself in my profile or on my blog...I am not sure how I see myself. I think at one point I knew who I was in Christ and now I am not sure.

The blog page that started out as a Journey for my dad has now turned into "MY JOURNEY TO HEAVEN" I need to find myself again...find out who I am in Christ!

I have seen some good things come from my dad's death....Maybe finding myself again will be one of them....I know God has good plans for me. I have a few appropriate scriptures to confirm this...

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.

And

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Siblings

Siblings.....Can't live with them. Can't live without them. Or can I? Sonderella may not want to read this entry...Here is your warning!

The day after my dad died we had a blow up. I ultimately took the blame. Although it takes more than one to fight. I know emotions were running high. After all was said (lots of hurtful things) I was the only one who apologized. I won't re-hash the hurtful things that have pierced my heart or others, but I do wonder if I should even be a part of this family anymore. If I am the one who causes the trouble, then maybe I should be the one who stays away.

Historically my brother and I have not been getting along. He physically beat me up when I was 17 and just threatened to kill me in August 2007. Of course the blow up occurred because he wouldn't give me my spare key. (I find it weird that no one thought he was being an A*&^%&^ by with holding them) I had locked my keys in the van and my husband had fed-ex'd me another one. When I got "hateful" all heck broke loose. Maybe I should have laughed it off, but I had been so stressed (and PMS'ing)about everything that happened in the last 24 hours so I couldn't find laughter. My brother is a bully and not a single one of my sisters will stand up to him ever! I am just "stupid" enough to stand up to him.

I have come to the conclusion that my brother and I will never get a long. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the things my sisters said...if they really think or feel all the things they said then maybe I should stay away. If I am that much trouble they would all be better without me! I love my sisters but do not want to be trouble to them.

Even at the funeral services it was obvious that we are two different families. The 3 older kids and then the twins....I guess we were raised as two families so we will never be one!

My dad's death has been hard in many different ways as you can tell from this post. Not only do I feel like the trouble maker but am facing my own mortality. We need to write a will...what will my kids do if something happens to me and their dad......