I appreciate your encouragement Ken and I can't wait to see the pictures! And Julie, I might need your help.
I have spent some time in prayer and examining my heart. I probably should not be so transparent.
I know my mom has been doing so much better. I think I am afraid of my busy life schedule conflicting with my responsibility with mom. I am a perfectionist, so I am afraid I won't please daddy or mommy in this venture. I know I am an adult, but some how I revert back to the child who could not please. I know I will grow during this season! I know this time with my mom is going to be precious for my children and for me. Someday my mom will be in heaven with my dad and I will be at rest because I have spent time with her. I love her dearly. I just find I am more and more stressed and less and less at peace.
I am exhausted emotionally and physically right now.
I am looking forward to some cinnamon rolls and yummy food my mom will cook. She hasn't really done any cooking for years and she is doing that again. There is the high! She is doing so much more these days than she was (like the boat)!
The kids have gone through so much this year. Daddy dying and moving has impacted their behavior. They see me busy and ignore the direction I have given. I also know my reaction isn't the same with my stress level either. I just need the Lord to bring rest. I need rest. I don't believe it was the move as much as dealing with grief. Maybe just all of life. My job is more stressful than I would like too. I don't even like it anymore! Somebody tell me this is normal feelings of grief. That is what I keep trying to convince myself of anyway. I was not a Daddy's girl. I was always a mommy's girl, which makes me struggle with the way I am reacting. I think it is just hard to face reality and when mom comes reality is going to hit me in the face.
As I just typed the title revelation came! I am AFRAID OF FAILING MY MOTHER! I am AFRAID of failing at life! Wow. Okay now I go into safe mode. Scriptures are flying around my head about fear not being of the Lord. What an emotional roller coaster ride!
1 comment:
I'm glad you figured it out. But do keep in mind that at some point you will fail her. Remember to please GOD - whatever that might mean at that moment. You can't please everybody or you'll be stretched all to pieces like a mad Twister game. Believe me, I have done it and still try! I'm just too tired to try right now. You do need to rest. What are you guys doing other than Eli's party this weekend? Maybe the kids can stay over if Eddie's ok with it and you promise to rest and not clean house! When does your mom come in? BTW, I had forgotten what she looked like.
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