Bread not stones

Luke 11:11-13 If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?

Okay, I admit I have not used the scripture correctly. I have been praying for our house to sell for 2 years. We had the house on the market for a year with an agent and the year prior to that we were "for sell by owner". I have prayed without ceasing at times. I have asked God what lesson I need to learn? I have said God will sell the house in his time. If patience is the lesson...I told God this week....I AM NOT GETTING IT! I do not mean to taunt God by any means. I am so frustrated with this house. I think I have done all I can to sell this house. I have packed at least 30 boxes. Some of those boxes have been stored for a year. We are constantly having to keep the house spotless....for a year (with two kids 7 to 9)! I am worn out. I think some of my frustration and inability to deal any longer is because of all the other "stuff" going on. I feel like such a spoiled brat kid....telling God I have been given stones instead of bread. Wonder where my kids get their attitudes? Hmmmmmm?

1 Peter 4:1

Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin.

Bottom line...I can't do anything...only God can. I have to STOP and allow him to sell this house.

Lord,

Help me have a right attitude. Help me to rest in you and allow you to be in control. Help me to learn the lessons I need to learn. Please sell this house. I thank you in advance for selling this house in such a bad time with the market. I ask you to help me not to look at the market, but look to you. I ask you to close my ears to negative talk and only to speak positive.

Amen

Apathetic

Let's start with the definition....courtesy of dictionary.com

-Feeling or showing a lack of interest or concern; indifferent.
-Feeling or showing little or no emotion; unresponsive.

If you are one of my students....please know I am human.

I received my course evaluations this week for clinic....now I am dreading receiving my lecture course evaluations! I expected them to be less than positive. I even told the department head they would be in March when I missed a day of work to help my dad get ready to go back to WV. Boy was I right!

My clinic faculty evaluation was very positive!

But.....

My coordinator evaluation was not terrible, but the comments were harsh. I would have thought the students would have been able to see how much I had going on personally and have been compassionate. But they were apathetic to the fact my father was gravely ill and ultimately died! I was written up for being apathetic toward the problems in clinic. I am not sure that was a fair assessment of my attitude. I can understand a little I suppose because when my dad was dying the fact that they can't find a patient really doesn't seem as tragic! I wonder if they could lose the self-centeredness long enough to see the difference in the two situations? Obviously not since the comment was made. Now let me say it wasn't all of the students just a few.

Another comment was about my wanting them to like me personally. Let me say it is our HUMAN nature to want to be liked, but in no way did I try to be their friend. I did not go to lunch with them or call them on the phone. I might have asked them if they had a nice weekend or break, but I would think they would have liked me to be kind. If I had not been personable I would have been written up for not caring even more!

I was also written up because the other faculty do not know the clinic manual or protocol. That I need to make the other faculty be as fair as I am....HOW?????? I can not MAKE the other faculty do anything! I am not their boss! This is one of my frustrations with being the coordinator. The students expect me to control other people and I can't! Sometimes I have as many as 32 other people to "control"! IMPOSSIBLE!

Now don't get me wrong I like my job, but society has raised a group of individuals who think the world revolve around them and every year the students coming in are more and more harsh and self-centered. I have found if I don't do everything they suggest I am unapproachable! What happened to training a professional? I am not conceited but I do have a lot of knowledge....I have worked in the field of dentistry for 22 years! Doesn't that mean anything?

Just venting! :o)

Next week I will go back to work with a smile and cater to the students needs just to be written up again for being apathetic!

Windows

Windows. Windows are an openings in a solid wall. The opening allows things to pass through or peer into. Things that pass through might be a cool breeze on a warm sunny day. That is a wonderful thought. Something else that might pass through could be a baseball that has ricocheted from the baseball bat of a group of boys playing a game in the back yard on a hot summer day! I like both of those thoughts. They bring a smile to my face. What about peer into? What comes to mind? Welllllllll, I think of a peeping Tom (sorry if your name is Tom)! HEHEHE....he would run if he peered through my window! It allows the sun to peer through into a dark room. It allows people to peer inside.

Why am I writing about windows? Well, I received a card today from a dear friend. She was encouraging me to continue to blog. Is the timing coincidental? My last blog entry talked about how vulnerable I feel by sharing on my blog. My friend told me "it's like having a little window into your life that I can look through at any time." That really touched me! She cares enough to want to peer into my little window. It is nice to know people really do care and someone wants to see into me. This blog is a window to my soul. My thoughts. Some of them intimate! Some of them hard to admit...let alone to share. I do not think the timing is a coincidence!

I want this blog to be encouraging, uplifting, funny and thought provoking. I am not sure it is all of those things every time I write, but it is a place for me to be me. Sometimes it is hard to just be true to me.

As I reflect on this year so far it has had it's challenges, but it has also had it's blessings. My family will share blessings and challenges of the day sometimes. I think it is good to have balance. We should not always dwell on the challenges in our lives but also on our blessings. One of my dad's sayings is..."Count your blessings and you will forget about your troubles". Each day we pray with our children at least twice a day. We start by thanking God! And we end by asking God to "keep us happy, healthy and safe in Jesus name."

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your request to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I want my children to be "Thankful" and always "praise" the Lord! It is my responsibility to teach them these things! We teach by example. I want to set a good example for my children.

Lord,

Help me to be a Godly example for my children, students, co-workers and friends. Not for my glory, but Lord for your glory only! Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you and to count my blessings. Help me to be found praising you always!

Amen

Vulnerable

This is a crawdad I caught several years ago in the creek (pronounced "crick" in WV) across the road from my parents house. When I look at the vulnerability of this creature it reminds me of how I feel right now.

According to one of my favorite sites (dictionary.com) the definition of vulnerable is......

Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. (me)
Susceptible to attack: "We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" (Alexander Hamilton).
Open to censure or criticism; assailable.
Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

I feel very vulnerable right now. My emotions still feel very raw. When an acquaintance asks how I am: I am not sure how to answer. I want to say all is well. But....I'm not sure I am there yet. I am still grieving. I go to a church of approximately 1000 people. So many who ask how I am, do not even know my father has died.

I think my blog makes me vulnerable too. (Thanks for the few comments I received!) I want to be transparent but I'm a little afraid to express how I am feeling. Our youth pastor told me today not to be too hard on myself and allow myself to have this time to grieve. I am such a perfectionist I am having trouble with allowing myself the "freedom to grieve".

I miscarried our first child. It was one of the most difficult losses I have ever felt. When I miscarried, I lost the hope and dreams of having a family. I must say that loss pales in comparison to the death of my dad. During that loss I read a great book called "Free to Grieve" and it brought so much healing to me. I guess I just want that quick healing again. Of course, you know my husband and I have since been blessed with two beautiful children. Now don't get me wrong my two children did not replace my first child, but they helped me achieve my dream of having a family. Nothing can bring my dad back. There is such a huge void.

I went back home last week. It was very difficult. I am so torn. I want to be available for my mom, but have difficulty being there and here. My daughter has missed me over the last two months. I have been gone so much to be with my mom and dad. I have been away 3 weeks. At least One in Mid-March, One in April and One in early May. I miss my daughter too. I wished I could be in both places.

My children were in a play at church. Biz was a narrator and Khi was Go-fish. The play was about David and Goliath. I realized as I watched them yesterday and tonight that I had not helped them with a single line for the play. They are great kids and did a great job, but I felt guilty for not being available to them over the last few weeks.

What is the GIANT in my life right now? Grieving and Healing! I know I can overcome this giant in my life with the help of the Lord.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

P.S. Pastor Cross...I can't say Thank You enough. I appreciate you! I pray for you as you go through your own grieving!

Skulk

According to dictionary.com a few of the definitions of Skulk are:


A skulk is a group of fox.

OR

lie in wait, lie in ambush, behave in a sneaky and secretive manner.

My blog has become a place for some of you to skulk. I know from my counter along the side that you are out there reading. You are being secretive.

I want to hear from you! Leave me comments. Let me know you are there. Don't stop reading just start communicating with me. :o)

Entitled

I talked to my mom last night for "Mother's Day". I had trouble getting in touch with her. They had a storm and did not have electricity. As much as I love my mom, just talking to her stressed me out again. The conversation always ends up in some way or another talking about my brother! I didn't bring him up. Mom did. He is going to go home after Sonderella and I both have been there so he can make sure we didn't take anything that he is "entitled" to take! I will never be able to tell him this...but he is the only one taking anything. Why does he feel entitled?

I have no desire to have what few worldly possessions my mom and dad have. My parents are poor! If I want a $50 circular saw...I'll go buy one! I guess that is why my brother refers to Sonderella and I as "Rich B*&%#$%&%^!" I just do not want to go home and deal with all of this! He won't be there in person, but he lurks around all the time!

Entitled-To furnish with a right or claim to something: The coupon entitles the bearer to a 25 percent savings. Every citizen is entitled to equal protection under the law. (dictionary.com)

Who furnished him with the right to claim all of my dad's possessions? I suppose he is the first born and only son.....but.....he is one of 5! As I stated before...he is the only son to shake his fist in my parents face and curse them. He is the only son to steal from them. He is the only son....How pathetic is that!

I heard from my sister she will not be around when something happens to mommy. It was funny to hear her say that....I feel the same way. It is a shame that no one will stand up to him. I won't. I know that sounds lame, but I was beat up by him once and I won't put myself in that position again. NO WORLDLY GOODS ARE WORTH IT!

He will ultimately pay for his sins some day, just as I will pay for mine.

Mom said he sent her a nice basket of flowers for Mother's day and he doesn't thing he has done anything wrong by taking dad's things....he even took one of mom's rings. He took the ring Joel and I gave to dad! What entitled him to that?

My stomach is in knots just thinking about going home. My mom needs me, so I must go, but I sure don't want to go!

Will this nightmare ever end?

Cruise to the Bahamas

We took a much needed break. It was the first cruise for Joel and the kids. My sister, Rose, and her husband, Chuck, went with us. It was their first cruise too. It was a "free" cruise that ended up being one of our most expensive vacations ever. Oh well, life is too short. Everyone really enjoyed them selves. We all had favorites that were different. Biz loved shopping from the locals. She purchased a great dress for the captain's dinner with matching beads.
Khi's favorite was the jet ski with his dad.












Joel's favorite was the food and jet ski.


My favorite was spending some time with my family and relaxing. I really needed to "rest" from all the emotional turmoil. I go home to see my mom in a few days and must face facts of my dad's death again.














Ecclesiastes 3

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Life goes on. There is a time and season for all. One of my dad's favorite passage from the bible is Ecclesiastes 3.

Murder

I have been praying a lot about my family bickering. As I have been praying and putting pressure on myself to "fix" everything God took me to a story in the bible.

Genesis 4:8

Now Cain said to his brother Able, "Let's go out to the field." And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Able and killed him.

The very first family in the bible had problems. The very first siblings in the bible committed the first murder in history. God is working to set me free of guilt and condemnation in this situation. Sonderella told me yesterday that she saw that I had put forth a lot of effort to keep peace over the years. I know not to look for approval from man but from God. (Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trust in the Lord is kept safe.) But man can be used to confirm things in us and Sonderella was used to confirm what God was speaking.

God is helping me to see that I can not expect my family to be perfect. Sin came into this world and sin continues to keep us from living in peace. Satan doesn't want harmony in my family. I will continue to pray against Satan's evil plan and pray for God to reign.

Guilt and condemnation does not come from God. Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

As you see, I do know how to fight a spiritual battle. With the word of God. When we put on the armour of God we can fight. The sword of the spirit is God's word.

I know this battle is the Lords. ( I Samuel 17:47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's and he will give all of you into our hands.) This statement reminds me of a song I grew up singing. The chorus goes something like this....the battle is his, the victory is mine and the victory is sweet.

Dear Lord,

I pray for you to fight this battle. Please help me to turn it over to you and allow you to handle it. I pray for a pure heart and a right spirit in me. Bring peace as only you can.

Amen.

Fight or Flight

As I do some evaluation of myself; I find I suffer from the "fight or flight" syndrome. If I feel threatened I react in the classic fight or flight way.

I have found several scriptures against this "normal" reaction.

Proverbs 13:3

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

How many times have I not guarded my lips? How many times have I brought ruin to myself?

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger?

Me again! How many times have I snapped and caused more trouble?

Proverbs 15:8

A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

Ouch! That "fight or flight" reaction is getting me into all kinds of trouble!

I know the "fruits of the spirit" are the way to over come my imperfections.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I am not foolish enough to think I will ever be perfect. I just want to be like Christ.

Philippians 2:5

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

Dear Lord,

Forgive me for my failures and help me to be more like you. Help me to meditate on your word and count my blessings!

Amen

Siblings Continued

My brother continues to bully! He proceeded to empty the garage at my mom's and took all of my dad's clothes. Once again no one stood up to him. All I can say is I am glad I was not there! It could have been ugly! He told my mom "I am done with her!" I am glad he is done with me. Maybe I won't have to worry about him being abusive to me any longer! I think I deal with guilt because families are not supposed be like we are...they are supposed to love each other and get along. I can only pray it isn't my issue, but his.

Sonderella and I talked today about the blow up the day after my dad died and she said it is just easier if the girls stay clear of "brother bully" and not cause issues. I agree with her, but that day it took everything in me not to curse him and knock his head off. I just hate the control he has over us.

As I said in my earlier post....I love my sisters....they mean the world to me. I know we will always be close. My dad's death has been very stressful and I know we were all trying to cope. I have thought about the middle sister...I mean the one right in the middle.....she is the one that generally gets along with the two older sibs and the twins....she really worked hard to keep peace during those eight stressful days. I can't image the pressure she felt! My oldest sister fell apart...I didn't image she would ever fall so completely apart. So imagine with me for a minute.....there are 5 of us....

1....Bully Brother
2....Sister falling apart
3....Middle sister trying to be glue
4....Twin 1
5....Twin 2

Can you imagine the chaos.....Twin 1 could have several labels ( I am twin 1) the tall twin, the whinny twin.....these are two that have followed me since childhood....Twin 2 could have several labels as well....I will not use them here because I love her too much to hurt her with these unfair labels.....

It is so hard to "break free" of being the things we have been viewed as all our lives....God sees me as someone completely different than my siblings I view me...People who know me as an adult see me as someone different than my sibs view me as....Who do I see myself as? That is what matters most!

Notice I have not listed anything about myself in my profile or on my blog...I am not sure how I see myself. I think at one point I knew who I was in Christ and now I am not sure.

The blog page that started out as a Journey for my dad has now turned into "MY JOURNEY TO HEAVEN" I need to find myself again...find out who I am in Christ!

I have seen some good things come from my dad's death....Maybe finding myself again will be one of them....I know God has good plans for me. I have a few appropriate scriptures to confirm this...

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.

And

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Siblings

Siblings.....Can't live with them. Can't live without them. Or can I? Sonderella may not want to read this entry...Here is your warning!

The day after my dad died we had a blow up. I ultimately took the blame. Although it takes more than one to fight. I know emotions were running high. After all was said (lots of hurtful things) I was the only one who apologized. I won't re-hash the hurtful things that have pierced my heart or others, but I do wonder if I should even be a part of this family anymore. If I am the one who causes the trouble, then maybe I should be the one who stays away.

Historically my brother and I have not been getting along. He physically beat me up when I was 17 and just threatened to kill me in August 2007. Of course the blow up occurred because he wouldn't give me my spare key. (I find it weird that no one thought he was being an A*&^%&^ by with holding them) I had locked my keys in the van and my husband had fed-ex'd me another one. When I got "hateful" all heck broke loose. Maybe I should have laughed it off, but I had been so stressed (and PMS'ing)about everything that happened in the last 24 hours so I couldn't find laughter. My brother is a bully and not a single one of my sisters will stand up to him ever! I am just "stupid" enough to stand up to him.

I have come to the conclusion that my brother and I will never get a long. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the things my sisters said...if they really think or feel all the things they said then maybe I should stay away. If I am that much trouble they would all be better without me! I love my sisters but do not want to be trouble to them.

Even at the funeral services it was obvious that we are two different families. The 3 older kids and then the twins....I guess we were raised as two families so we will never be one!

My dad's death has been hard in many different ways as you can tell from this post. Not only do I feel like the trouble maker but am facing my own mortality. We need to write a will...what will my kids do if something happens to me and their dad......