Vulnerable

This is a crawdad I caught several years ago in the creek (pronounced "crick" in WV) across the road from my parents house. When I look at the vulnerability of this creature it reminds me of how I feel right now.

According to one of my favorite sites (dictionary.com) the definition of vulnerable is......

Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. (me)
Susceptible to attack: "We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" (Alexander Hamilton).
Open to censure or criticism; assailable.
Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

I feel very vulnerable right now. My emotions still feel very raw. When an acquaintance asks how I am: I am not sure how to answer. I want to say all is well. But....I'm not sure I am there yet. I am still grieving. I go to a church of approximately 1000 people. So many who ask how I am, do not even know my father has died.

I think my blog makes me vulnerable too. (Thanks for the few comments I received!) I want to be transparent but I'm a little afraid to express how I am feeling. Our youth pastor told me today not to be too hard on myself and allow myself to have this time to grieve. I am such a perfectionist I am having trouble with allowing myself the "freedom to grieve".

I miscarried our first child. It was one of the most difficult losses I have ever felt. When I miscarried, I lost the hope and dreams of having a family. I must say that loss pales in comparison to the death of my dad. During that loss I read a great book called "Free to Grieve" and it brought so much healing to me. I guess I just want that quick healing again. Of course, you know my husband and I have since been blessed with two beautiful children. Now don't get me wrong my two children did not replace my first child, but they helped me achieve my dream of having a family. Nothing can bring my dad back. There is such a huge void.

I went back home last week. It was very difficult. I am so torn. I want to be available for my mom, but have difficulty being there and here. My daughter has missed me over the last two months. I have been gone so much to be with my mom and dad. I have been away 3 weeks. At least One in Mid-March, One in April and One in early May. I miss my daughter too. I wished I could be in both places.

My children were in a play at church. Biz was a narrator and Khi was Go-fish. The play was about David and Goliath. I realized as I watched them yesterday and tonight that I had not helped them with a single line for the play. They are great kids and did a great job, but I felt guilty for not being available to them over the last few weeks.

What is the GIANT in my life right now? Grieving and Healing! I know I can overcome this giant in my life with the help of the Lord.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

P.S. Pastor Cross...I can't say Thank You enough. I appreciate you! I pray for you as you go through your own grieving!